149. Mirror Images

"a mute's cry"

barren as the tree

that hovers

above me.

tongue

bereft of words

embedded so deeply

inside the hollow

of me.

in words that have no form.

within the box the eye is seen

the eye that watches me

over me -- to keep me silent

[Note: the different fonts represent different ones of us writing in the journals plus Lyn’s clinical notes]

Where do we come from?

I don’t know who wrote that but it’s an interesting question, n’est-ce pas? And do they mean just us Webers or do they mean all human beings? Some of us say or ask very strange things. I don’t write half of what goes on in our mind on a daily basis. It’s too hard to keep up for one thing but also some say  very weird things and I’m left saying “huh?”

Very painful yesterday. Rage trying to surface – the tension was pretty bad. Griffin-CHLD (1) wanted to cut but didn’t.

Yes, but later he does. Cut, I mean. 43 times. All superficial thank goodness but still disconcerting and after all these years. We have been cutting off and on for 6 years now, since 1990. Griffin-CHLD is in a lot of pain to do this.

Lyn is away this week and it couldn’t be worse timing. We were in a pretty bad space then it got worse. A terrible memory surfaces.

We have all begun falling down the Core, a long pit, passing through white light or cloud and deeper into the blood red liquid. Everyone must surrender and let go into the blood red sinking. Its’ the only way. Down into the Central Core, to a deeper place inside of us.

Barely able to make it to the multiple support group. Lance drives us there but we can barely talk in the group. Griffin-CHLD really does not want anything said and some of us fear his Rage will erupt into violence.

I came across something we wrote back in 1992. It seems relevant again.

When there is Doubt, the walls of Maura contract and become dark. When there is drive, desire and intent the walls open into light. The walls almost disappear so that it seems you are looking into eternity itself.

Belle (3) now absolutely refuses to take any of the herbal remedies we were given. We don’t totally understand why.

Serena (5) resides in The Pit. Putting terror aside she dreams a story about herself and her father. Her story is very separate from ours and it helps her survive whatever is done to her.

And Griffin-CHLD cuts again. 20 more. He is so enraged and I fear he will simply boil over.

There are levels within the Core as well. We are moving down into it, all of our worlds are sucked down into the cylinder.

Little (4) bursts into tears while Annie Charlie (1) and Graham are hugging. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Graham. The timing is coincidental. Something has upset Little though. Its’ very scary Inside and it feels like we are going to die soon. And no one to phone.

But something good takes place now. Griffin-CHLD picks up our drum and begins drumming. He also calls for The Shout (4) to come out and to shout for all the world to hear us. It feels very powerful. This is us helping us, finding our own power within to cope.

Griffin-CHLD does not like the BFL group very much. He thinks the women are way too nice and doesn’t trust their “niceness”. He thinks they are lying, just pretending to be nice when they really aren’t nice at all. But there are others of us who don’t think the women are lying. We wake up this morning sobbing, sad for these women and the things they have suffered as well. Oh and I felt a lot of switching going on while we were in the group. I know that Othel (1) was out at one point. And Katy Ann (2) came out with the woman who drove us home which surprised me.

On our way to deeper worlds within us, down the cylinder, The Central Core. On our way to our very soul. Is there anything deeper than that? The collective unconscious maybe?

Serena calls them The Tribunal, not The Bitches (8), and they are part of her story, which is very separate from the rest of us.

Warning: this may be triggering for some.

Through the River of Blood

we push our way through.

Past glitters of light

we bob up and down

on a raft we have built

to carry us

on red crests

of wounds.

The cries of children

sound so much like

the hysterical chattering of monkeys

Bad (4) now has a new name. Well, a new spelling and a new meaning. She will now be called “Badb” based on an actual Irish war-goddess. Very suitable.

GRIFFIN-CHLD IS NOT A MONSTER, NOT A BEAST, NOT EVIL!!! HE IS ONLY A CHILD AND NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN!!!!

Some of us love you and thank you for protecting us all these years.

Mom. Why is one side of Split Face (4) called the Mother Side? Does it have anything to do with our mother? She has told me a number of times that she was drugged when she got pregnant. Why would someone want to drug her? And why have I sometimes feared that her face would suddenly turn into a monster? I remember a dream we had where she turned into a monster and grabbed at our ankles. Also she said that GB from the nursery school, and our mother’s friend, had “bad-mouthed” her to Olive, the landlady on James Street. Why do I not remember her when we lived there? I remember living there. I remember my room. I remember her room which was our living room as well. I remember Olive and I remember the balcony off of my bedroom, and the glass door with the sheer curtain. But I do not remember my mother there.

ANERES and ANU. Serena and Una’s (4) names backwards. Why?

Here is another. Cinderella of the White Bear (4).

Serena lived on the other side of the mirror, a “mirror image” of Una. But they do not look alike, yet in their hearts they mirror each other. Some of the Babies (4) live on the other side of the mirror with Serena. They are similar to the Shadow Children of The Thirteen (3). Many of our names are written backwards though not exactly. We also put capital letters on both ends thus Serena = AnereS, Una = AnU. The Babies are The SeibaBs and Cinderella of the White Bear is also AlleredniC of the RaeB EtihW.

We are turning Inside out. All of the Levels are being pulled into the Central Core. For some reason. I don’t know why yet.

February 20, 1996: Caer very upset – lots of cutting (deliberate self harm) and fears she will be abandoned by me, Lance and her group. [Lyn’s clinical notes]

For all the “not so great” feelings we had about Lyn in the past year or so (fearing she no longer cared about us) she came through with flying colours. Everything she said in our session with her was soothing and supportive. Everything supported what we think and feel. She said all the right things.

Another name from the bowels of Maura. YlnogarD (4). Dragonfly!!  Ylf for short. I thought she was one of the SeibaBs but someone said no. And apparently Cinderella’s job was to clean up after the abuse. She calls The Bitches, also known as The Tribunal by Serena, The Wicked Stepmother and Sisters. Ach, we live in a fairy tale world. I guess children do, don’t they. That would be why we have some strange names and ideas. There was no one to tell us the rules of being multiple. No one to tell us what to name our different selves, no one to tell us what we are. The sky was definitely the limit.

And more come.....

Archimedes (4) has created them all. Another dragonfly, called The Emperor (4) or RorepmE and a geometrid moth (a nocturnal butterfly) called Geo (4) for short. The SucattA SaltA (4) – Atlas moth. The HecranoM (4), a monarch butterfly. Nymph (4) (nymph stage of a butterfly) who apparently helped Baby Doll (4), one of the SeibaBs, while Ylf helped Cinderella.

Phew!