"The Mute" by Serena
(still Shell’s notes)
(Warning: some of this may be triggering)
[Note: the different fonts represent different ones of us writing in the journals]
“The doors are open and we enter another world, going deeper within ourself.”
A drawing in our journal. A simple spiral. The label says “The Central Core” and there it is. Here we are.
Warning: this may be triggering for some.
A session with Lyn, Crystal (3) and Corey’s (3) memory of a box they were put in surfaces once again. I’ve lost count of how many times this memory has come up. Monica, one of the facilitators from the YWCA group, said she believed this is one of those defining moments in terms of our memories of abuse. A very significant incident. Six children were created to deal with this. It was punishment. Three of the children Crystal, Alexander (3) and Timothy (3) (Tee-Tee) were put in the box and three, the Shadow children, Corey, Nigel (3) and T-Shadow (3), were created to be outside of it, to help the three inside. The Children of the Thirteen (3).
There were other things in the box too.
After the memory came our body shook in shock.
The Bitches (8) are mad at Lyn because she says we are not evil. The Bitches believe we are. Griffin-CHLD (1) thinks so too. I think we were told that. How could we not believe then? Or maybe they think that because they feel guilty, feel the abuse was our fault. We did something wrong and so we were punished. We were evil. Makes sense doesn’t it. but our Elders, our wisest ones say no, it was not our fault. We were too young to make any choices. We had no control. However, it is easier for some to say we are evil. It makes us feel less helpless and hopeless.
Serena (5) has created something quite wonderful for us. Suspended pods attached to a spiral cylinder inside The Central Core. Each pod is a seat. Each and every one of us has a seat.
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We have begun attending a new education and support group. This one similar to the YWCA group but it’s for women who have suffered “severe” trauma. To make it clear, we believe all abuse is severe in that it is far-reaching and so damaging to the psyche and the soul. Maybe the word “extreme” might be more suitable. Or “vicious”. Or “cruel”, “inhuman” or “sadistic”. Any of those terms would apply as well. There is nothing “mild” or “simple”, “just” or “only” to be applied to any kind of abuse. A child is severely and deeply damaged by even one incident of abuse.
Okay now that we have that clear for all of our selves, we started the group last night. It’s at the Burnaby Family Life Institute so we will call it the BFL group. It will be longer than the YWCA group, which was 12 weeks. The BFL group will be 16 weeks. We imagine it will also be very intense. Still we are more than willing to do the work and hope to resolve more issues, especially about being in groups.
There is a fear that we will not get the help we need from this group. It comes from Angéla (5). How she arrives at this thought so early in the game is a little beyond me but maybe she knows, no... obviously she knows something that I don’t. I do hope she’s wrong though. We need so much.
Are we in the deepest part of ourself? Is this the very core, the very psyche of our soul?
No one answers me. Hmmm.
While many of us are glad to be working in another group, some say they are tired. Tired of being in groups, tired of talking about our stuff, tired of doing recovery work. They are anxious to turn things around now and teach others, help others through this hell, and tell our story. They also feel it is time to mourn our losses and let go. Let’s move on they said. Let’s get going.
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The Seed/Seat Pods built by Serena are for “Serenity”, peaceful places to sit, inner peace and restoration. Seats for enabling new growth.
We begin to move down the Core, and “up” the Levels. Level 12 now. Serena helps prepare us. Griffin-CHLD is most afraid of where we are headed. It’s okay though. It is transformation only and growth. The Central Core spiral represents growth, as we pass the same spots over and over, around and around, only we have learned and experienced new things along the way so we are a little bit “higher” than we were before. The spiral takes us up, up, up. [Writers’ Block]
Yesterday it seemed that everyone Inside got affected by something. The children were all upset to one degree or another. Raven (3), our body, showed signs of getting sick – sore throat mostly. Little (4) and Annie Charlie (1) did still manage to come out but they were a bit upset as well and very tired.
February 6, 1996: Caer almost didn’t come and [Shell (1, 2)] wasn’t sure how she got to the appointment. She has been housebound with fear and knowing another memory is surfacing. Today is her mother’s birthday. The memory was about abuse done “for your mother – it’s her birthday”. It seems the child was tricked into thinking the mother was present. (“That’s how Una (4) got created”). Much feeling and physical symptoms (stomach and pelvis).
Interesting perspective of the Levels (see our post #28 Jan 29, 2011 for info about them) as related to parts of our body. Level 1, The Mirror Zone where The Observers (1) reside is related to our eyes. Level 2, the Availability Zone, is where we can speak with Outsiders so this relates to our voice and vocal chords. Level 6 is where our house Inside is, The Cocoon. We think it relates to our solar plexus. Level 8 is our mind, Maura, so it relates to our brain. Level 11 is Gaetway, or Blue World, and relates to our stomach because this is Una, or Wyrd’s, world. Inside Wyrd-Mama’s Belly. Level 12 is where Serena is and we think it connects to our heart. The deep red colour of The Central Core. Very cool guys. What a neat way to see the Levels.
The Bitches ride in on their Dark Horses of Evil. Please look out everyone – they come to haunt us all!!!
Invite them in then. Each bears the number of the beast. 6 times 3. Some of us are not afraid of their Darkness!!
Angéla invites them in doesn’t she but it was her they did that to. Three women, three hags who smiled down upon her – with such “love” (and wanting)
In the BFL group we disappear into the Wall of White. We draw a house – it is drab, uninteresting, unnoticeable especially in the midst of a grey rain and grey cement. Lots of traffic goes by, machines cold and unfeeling that have only their exhaust to give us – poison to kill us. The window is dark like our Inside dark, cloaked and protected from these strangers we do not trust.
But there are signs of life and hope in this picture – green stems, bright with new growth and energy, flowers ready, waiting to open and show the beauty of who and what they are. Though the rain is grey, there are the blue droplets that show the sky cries for us, acknowledges us and our colour of connection within.
No thorns upon any stems. No signs telling people to keep away. Though many stems are grey, some drooping, these are ones in transformation. The brown dead leaves around the base of the whole bush disintegrate into the earth, are transformed themselves and give back nourishment to the earth.
We are waiting for the sun and the clean new air to breathe in. Those green stems upright know it will come. They do not give up.
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The Wall of White has always been there. A blank sort of state where the mind is rather empty of any sense, any feelings.
No Self (4) is The Wall of White in that her role is to either prevent co-consciousness between alters (although she does not make the decision about this. The Controller (2) does) or allow co-consciousness. She also has built the Wall of White which sits between Level 2 (Availability) and Level 3 (the Information zone). Information can still be exchanged between the two levels. They do not go through the Wall of White.
But when alters are switching they must pass through this Wall of White. Shell, The Censor (2) is involved in this wall. The wall contains things that are not yet supposed to be shown to the Outside world.
In the BFL group, in a closing exercise, we are to put away any issues or problems that have surfaced. We imagine a cylinder, glass, full of blue thick liquid in the meeting room in The Cocoon (Level 6). The liquid represents our issue around being in a group. At least I think it is. but I don’t really understand. Something fluid? Changeable? And blue is a colour of connection for all of us within too. so ....?
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