151. A Tangled Web (1996)

"Dark Hearts in a Tangled Web"

[Warning: some things may be triggering]

“What is repressed becomes toxic and strange”

[Caroline Casey, astrologer]

Notes:

-    the different fonts represent different ones of us writing in the journals plus Lyn’s clinical notes

-    obviously things got really chaotic and somewhat confusing inside us at this time. Bear with us. We do make it out of the labyrinth eventually

The Tribunal (also known as The Bitches (8)) is based on real people, our abusers. Three women. Angels they did call themselves though. They made many decisions in the group.

Serena (5) created her own family. The Jackal (5), she calls her father and Sean-Charlotte (5) her mother.

Baby Doll-LloD YbaB (4) , one of the SeibaBs (4), was drugged. She is stoned all the time Inside.

Archimedes (4) created these insect alters and kept them in a suspended net [The Archimedes’ Net] inside The Central Core. Some of their names are backwards, but not all. I’m not sure why. I missed one earlier. This one is a silk worm, called KaliS MoroW (4). Backwards and letters added.

We are having such a hard time in the BFL group. A lot of chaos. Griffin-CHLD (1) still very upset and angry. And others feeling very protective and not wanting to reveal much about us. It wasn’t like this in the YWCA group. Maybe because these ones had not emerged then. I’m not sure.

Once you become visible you get picked. Archimedes says we can use The Net to keep us invisible. These ones can be present and listen for us. And we can talk about some things. It is up to The Censor (2) and others to keep back stuff that is not safe to reveal in the group. We must keep ourself safe everyone!!!

How the hell am I supposed to keep things safe? I may have this role as The Censor but I don’t know what is safe and what is not. And with so much going on and so many of us I don’t know whether I am coming or going so I CANNOT KEEP THINGS SAFE!! Idiots!!

Another in The Archimedes’ Net is Cater P. (4) (or Cate). Yes a caterpillar.

Serena is our best source of information regarding The Tribunal. She knows a lot about them.

I guess we are now calling them The Tribunal rather than The Bitches. I don’t care really. I still don’t trust them. Never have. Never will. Serena is going to lead us through The Central Core.

I hear a voice Inside say – why bother? This is not enough. We won’t get what we need. It might be Angéla (5) but I’m not positive.

And another SeibaB – Jenny Ru (4).

There is a big dark secret down here Inside our soul. If we tell we die.

Someone Inside says that The Tribunal and Angéla are the key to our problems with groups.

The Wall of White has different names – The Oubliette or Forgettery, The White Fog or The White Cloud. It depends on who you are talking to.

February 27, 1996: Caer has been trying to work on an alliance with alters who are angry about disclosure of ritual abuse but is having a rough time. There was a lot of switching and reliving of painful incidents. [Lyn]

Session with Lyn: memories surfacing. A wooded area something happened.

Lance says we are doing MAJOR NEGOTIATIONS!! Yes, forming alliances within.

Elvira (4) can stay out quite a long time, on the Outside, longer than Pearl (4) can. Both are very capable though. Pearl probably shows/has more confidence and maybe more “wisdom” (being the pearl that she is). Elvira tends to get more agitated and tense but she really keeps her eyes and ears open to everything Inside and Outside. Oh ... Elvira and n’i (2) have struck up a friendship. Also Katy Ann (2) is proving to be very helpful, especially in the kitchen. Can we set up something with the kids, any age, who want to participate more in our daily functioning? It might help them feel stronger and less afraid.

Dead (4) helped Serena when she was hurt. She carries the Living Dead behind her/with her. Similar to the Walking Wounded. But on the other side of the mirror only

The BFL group last night. More pain. Tense. White hot rage from The Tribunal. And Dead right at the surface as well. We feel hopeless, feel like this group can’t help us. We are beyond their help. Why do we feel that way? Who does it come from?

February 29, 1996: Tribunal making the group hell – Belle (2) threatened by authority and is very paranoid. Griffin-CHLD is stone faced in group. Caer fears they will be asked to leave group. I offered to call Carla (one of the facilitators of BFL group] for her. [Lyn]