"Rocket Ship for Serena" from Archimedes
"I am a big person now. Today I can protect myself"
"The bad people are gone"
I can’t believe how incredibly painful things have been getting. It seems to increase in intensity every day. I hate to say it but I feel the suicidal urges coming from others Inside. I’m not sure who. I assume The Tribunal (8) is one source. Their fear of us disclosing so much is very high. As well, the memory of what happened in the woods strikes terror in my heart. I feel a lot of despair.
Our urge and need to stay home seems to be growing. Little (4) asked Graham if the kids could just stay home and watch tv with him, rather than go to the group. That would be nice I’m sure, but unfortunately we share the same body. Gotta go where it goes. I don’t really understand why the world feels so frightening to us but I’m assuming the fear comes from those Inside who were harmed the most. However, all of us want desperately to feel safe, to be in a safe place.
Serena (5) leaves some breadcrumbs that I don’t want to follow, leading us to her calling her “father” The Jackal (5). Why that name? Does this connect to The Beast Without, our stepfather, in any way? I’m scared to know the answer to that but I can’t help but wonder and feel something nagging at the back of my brain (or in Maura).
On a more positive note – Archimedes (4) is drawing a picture of a very special rocketship for Serena to get away from anyone if she wants to. Lance bought us a star. Yes, really, a real star. He got it at the planetarium. We own a star!! Is that cool or what? It’s called “Web/96”. Anyway, Serena can now fly to that star. I wonder if there’s a parking lot or landing pad on it. We might have to build one.
Decide to tell Graham some of what is going on and the possibility of going to hospital. It feels that bad Inside. We think it’s better he knows now rather than find out his mom is in hospital all of a sudden. We also tell him that we are looking at alternatives to hospital first, maybe see if we can have some kind of “hospital” here at home, just shutting down, not doing too much. Just rest. It’s interesting that we have stayed out of hospital since 1991. We think Lyn has a lot to do with that and having Lance and Graham as support really helps too. They give us some sense of sanity in our life.
Some of us think The Tribunal made Tir (1) psychotic. And me-Shell (1, 2) too. But why? So no one would believe that we were abused, would think we were simply delusional? Possible. Or maybe they have been trying to sabotage our recovery. Some alters do that out of a sense of loyalty to their abusers.
Hands (4) also has her name spelled backwards as well, and with extra letters. I like the sound of it. Hands-SadanaH.
March 5, 1996: ... immediately began to switch and is dealing with very intense memories. They seem unbearable to her. Self-harm continues. She showed me her right thigh – superficial cuts on top of old cuts. Very close together.
Spoke to [Carla] one of the leaders of her [BFL] group. Caer feared they will kick her out as the alters who are there (e.g., Griffin-CHLD) are “not me” – angry and uncommunicative. [Carla] said Caer is “more than welcome to stay”. It has never occurred to them to “kick her out”. They are worried for her as she seems “deeply entranced with her inner world” when she is there. They want whatever is best for her. “Why is she putting herself through this?”
Why? You mean we have a choice?
BFL group last night. Less angry. The wall maybe not so thick but still very much there. I don’t recall feeling any anger towards anyone but did not like having to talk to anyone. Hate doing pairs, hate drawing exercises. It feels like school. The building itself, an old one, reminds us of both school and hospital and feels triggering.
We write in the journal what happened to us in the woods. The rage and pain is unbearable but we must face it. It’s the only way. How can we live with this?
Today has been the aftermath, the recovering from that memory. It is quiet Inside for the most part except for the Little Ones’ contact with Graham. Little, Annie Charlie (1), and Katy Ann (2). And nausea this morning so we needed to rest. We end up being in bed most of the day, reading a little, mostly watching tv. Our surrogate mother. Our soother.
The Tribunal feel they have suffered a number of losses. They say they were “special” in that group that abused us. Even though it was a very negative sense of specialness, it felt good in some way. Now they don’t feel special at all. They also felt a sense of belonging. Where do they belong now they ask us. As well, they felt they were in a predictable environment, knew ahead of time what would happen. Now they must put up with life in all its uncertainty. Those are the things they mourn.
What about the rest of us? What have we lost along the way – or maybe never had in the first place? The confidence and resilience to deal with life. The strength to follow our dreams and ambitions. A sense of worth and value in the world. The ability to be intimate, especially sexually. A sense of safety. Having a close and loving relationship with our parents. We have not had these things. Some we will never have, but some may be possible yet in life.
I feel that things are sinking in with more certainty. My denial is gently being lifted away, a light veil that flutters to the ground, becoming more and more useless to me. As my own certainty grows, my fears lessen. I feel less afraid of who will believe me or who will not. There is better footing and more handholds to climb this Mount Everest.
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The Tribunal want to change their name again. Actually, I don’t think it was them who changed from The Bitches to The Tribunal but they say they want to be known as individuals as well as a group. After some searching we find names they like – Mercedes, which means favourings and rewards, Eevin, which is an Irish name meaning beautiful and is the name of a powerful banshee, and Arax which is Assyrian and the ancient name of a famous river. It also means impetuous and lively. Together they spell MEA.
I know others have memories and are waiting to bring them to the surface. I see them and feel them. I’m not stupid or blind. And I hate them so much. I am trying to deny them, trying to make them all go away. They turn my stomach. I hate all of this!!! [Shell]
Living in the world of blue and black. I don’t matter. I don’t matter [Tir]
The Weavers are dealing with stuff from the BFL group and preparing us for this week’s topic – feelings towards perpetrators. Very scary. And more memories are coming, connected to Easter. It ain’t over yet is it?
Many of us belong to the Weavers. It’s one of our newer groups for any of us at least 15 years old. We talk about the important things in our life and make some decisions about it. It feels like a strong group and seems to make us feel more confident in the world as well. As if we are taking more control of our life.
Dead (4) is here. A Dead Zone. As Easter approaches she is needed. For us to die and then be reborn. That is when we need Phoenix (8). And we find out why Jenny Ru (4) was created, what happened to her. More horrible stuff.
Session with Lyn yesterday: Jenny Ru, 3 years old, was out and talked about her abuse. They told her she was very bad and needed to be punished. She somehow knew of Little Ruby (4) back then and gave her some things as weapons to use. Actually Jenny Ru did not, and still does not, see Little Ruby as a separate alter, another self. She thinks they are one and the same. Jenny Ru does not understand that she is multiple. Lyn mentioned that there were others Inside and it upset Jenny Ru to know this.
By last night Raven (3), our body, was truly exhausted. Almost sick. Shell was in a lot of distress about it.
Timothy (3) has been surfacing a bit again lately. He came out briefly with Lyn yesterday and again this morning in bed. Lance was there too. Timothy didn’t know who Lance was and didn’t know where No Self’s (4) doll, Susie, came from. Crystal (3) comforted him as usual and took him back Inside.
Dead was out a lot yesterday.
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