"Split Face" by Katy Ann
October 14, 1996: The presentation went really well. Some of us were amazed at how calm and composed we were up there. But on the day we felt so uncomfortable. Some of us were terrified and really nervous. Really stressed out about it. But we did it and people Outside were pleased. Whew!
Since then – a lot of new ideas for what’s next. That feels good. Also, going back to our “normal” life which was back in May or so. But now there’s an opening that wasn’t there before. What we really need to do now is reassess the different parts of our life and the Web itself. Our system needs some care-ful attention.
Badb (4) was not happy that we mentioned the Panes of Glass in our presentation. She hadn’t received enough warning that we would be talking about them and some of us weren’t aware that it was that important to her. There are others, as well, who feel very exposed and vulnerable right now, in need of a deeper retreat. So Othel (1) and Archimedes (4), and Belle (3) helping a bit, are setting up a “soular” (solar) system where our star, Web96, is. We will be able to use Serena’s (5) rocketship that Archimedes drew for her, to get us there. So here we are, out in space, and getting a rest. Away from everyone. Inaccessible. What fun.
Acknowledged as an alter. Our mother’s daughter. Colette (4). She is why I don’t remember a lot about my mom. And I never felt like I was the right daughter for her. A funny way to put it I guess.
Bunker (5), another alter. Lance said we mentioned a “bunker” before. I thought it meant a place Inside. Then Dog-God (5) is triggered while in the shower. Runs out with bathrobe on, very cold, goes to the warm radiator. His images are extremely disturbing. Dog-God and Bunker are connected through that memory.
In session, a child asks Lyn for more hugs.
A storm coming. T-Shadow (3) “screaming” last night in bed, more like screeching. It upsets Crystal (3) and Little (4) cries when Graham leaves for school. We are very weepy but there is rage there too, sitting there like a storm – waiting.
Bunker has alters inside of him. They are “instruments of death”. The Angels of Death (5). Five of them.
Someone comes out this morning and does not recognize this place where we are living, does not recognize Lance, does not recognize Graham. Where’s her mom she wants to know. She looks very frightened. A dream seems connected to her. A dream of two ravens. Born out of us. A bigger one, that is older. Like an older child. Already born. Then a second one is born.
Things are the worst they have been in years. Even Lyn notices this. We keep the possibility of going to hospital as a last resort in the back of our mind. If we become very suicidal then we will go in order to be safe. Meanwhile, the cutting has begun again. Our way of coping I guess. So much going on Inside. So much pain. A few days ago we heard in Maura the shattering of glass. Not just one time either. Many times throughout the day. At first I thought it was the Panes of Glass but eventually someone said no, it was a mirror. Not one of the mirrors in the Levels. It actually was a memory. We did break a huge mirror. In one of the places where we were abused. There were mirrors around a room, where children were being abused. It was no accident that we broke one. We must have been punished for it.
A breakthrough with our mother. We tell her that our stepdad abused us and she believes us. she says she wasn’t there but she was suspicious sometimes. Wow! That is immense! Such validation.
The Shadow children, Nigel (3), Corey (3) and T-Shadow, believe they have no “self” and it makes them cry, cry for “not existing”. But to us they do exist.
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We have an in-depth conversation about depression. Feelings of doom, hopelessness and despair. To a certain extent, we have control of these feelings in the sense that they come from our thoughts, our attitude about the situation we are in. We do not have control over the impact of the information about our stepdad. The pain, the grief, the rage – all of those feelings are there, and come when the facts sink in. But what happens then?
It is possible that we can frame the impact, choose to see it all from a certain perspective. We can see that these feelings of grief and rage a part of the healing process. This part, the work to be done is to find out what happened back then, to acknowledge and allow the pain, and to let the grief and rage be there. It is quite appropriate for these feelings to exist. By accepting this part of the process, by allowing ourself to feel these emotions and by not resisting them, allows a change to happen. We move through the pain. We are not stuck in it.
At times we think
- this pain will always be here, throughout our whole life. We will never be free of it
- we will never be able to trust anyone
- we will never feel happy or at peace in our life
Those thoughts cause us to feel depressed and in despair, hopeless. But we are recognizing now that these are not facts. They are simply predictions of a future. But we cannot predict the future. So what must we do then? We have to change what we think, change what we believe. We need to frame our situation differently.
Instead, we can see that our pain is simply a part of the healing process. A necessary part. Many people go through this. We can also see that in the past 6 years we have experienced a lot of pain but we have also had times when we did feel happy. We have felt new energy at times, and even felt ecstasy and peacefulness.
We also need to remember that what we can always count on is change. Our feelings will change. That is a statement of fact. Being human, our emotions change. Our very awareness of our feelings changes them.
We sometimes convince ourself that we cannot bear this pain. That in itself seems to create more pain. But we have gone through so much pain for so many years and we are still intact. We have not killed ourself. We have not become permanently psychotic. We have survived and it is proof that we can bear the pain. What is more the truth is that we don’t like this pain. We don’t want to accept that we have it. We want to deny its existence or push it away.
There are times when resistance is useful. It puts the brake on when things are moving too fast. But there are times when resistance simply causes more pain. We must accept that this is where we are now, in the midst of all this painful knowledge about being betrayed. Acceptance can often bring about change.
Victor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” that our attitude towards any situation is key. He realized this when he was in a concentration camp and saw some people able to “go beyond” the situation and not only survive but somehow be in touch with a much deeper place inside themselves. He saw that their attitude enabled them some kind of freedom and liberation. We believe as well that our attitude is the key. What we choose to believe about any given situation will cause us pain or free us.
We want to learn more about ourself and other multiples, other survivors. We want to understand the effects of what happened to us and we want to work with others to find ways to change some of our more destructive thoughts, ways to build up our strengths, ways to move through the whole healing process. We want to dig deep and find the things within ourselves that still block us from doing what we really want to be doing and from being all who we are.
Bits and pieces
Some of us think Tir (1) should “give up” her internal world but this only makes her angry. Guess we feel that her escape to that world is her denial of things and that she needs to come to terms with everything.
Some of Una’s (4) eldest – Elvira, Makkio, Pearl, Badb, Dead and No Self have been working together on some things. We don’t know specifically what those things are though.
Our rage intensifies. We call it the Black Rage.
While Timothy (3) seems to be doing better, is happier and more communicative, his Shadow (T-Shadow) is in a lot of pain and often shrieks.
Angéla (5) is allowing Outsiders to touch her, allows Lance to rub her back and hugs Graham. This is definite progress for her.
Some of the children have been coming out more often, and even take over at times.
Serena is telling her story through her drawings.
I, Shell (1, 2), am beginning to absorb and even accept just a little that our stepdad betrayed and hurt us.
We have identified some of our goals, mostly in terms of the type of research we want to do.
The Bone Crusher (5) emerges and the two “daughters” of our mother are called The Two Colettes (4).
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