"Timothy" by Katy Ann
Timothy hears hears hears
Timothy sees sees sees
Timothy cries cries cries
Make him a Shadow
Closing up the Web didn’t work. Too many of us wanting to stay in touch with the world.
I hate this world. I hate people. they cause so much trouble and pain in the world. I hate people. I hate this world and don’t want to be in it. I want to die very soon. I don’t care if everyone else in the Web wants to live. I hate all of this so much. [Angéla (5)]
Angéla makes her feelings very clear for us. She’s in a lot of pain and we all can feel it.
Despite everything that is going on lately and the possibility we might have to postpone or cancel our presentation, this morning we get up and are already thinking about what part we’d like to work on. We have not given up yet.
It comes out that MEA (8) did not integrate with Angéla. MoreDread (5) says “we don’t integrate!” Hmm. She says that Angéla has simply hidden them, just as she hid Heléna (5). Why did she hide them then? Why lie about integrating? Angéla seems to fear that MoreDread, Serena’s (5) three “brothers” and The Jackal (5) will try to destroy MEA. But we ask how can they? They are not people on the Outside who we can physically kill. They are a part of us whether we like them or not. Only they can make themselves gone. We really have no choice. We must accept them. Patience (1) says we also need all of their knowledge and their wisdom. We need everyone of us to help us do our presentation. We need as much information as possible to keep ourself safe.
-----
Our ultimate goal? For all the abuse in the world to stop. Everywhere. By educating people about it, by survivors telling their stories, being heard. All abusers taking responsibility for what they have done. For healing to happen everywhere. Yes. Like trying to remove all the salt in the oceans. Oh well. It’s a start.
-----
Is it true that our soul has been “blackened” and poisoned by our abusers? Have we become evil too? Have we become hardened, numb to pain, cold and unfeeling like they were? Are we a danger to ourself or to other people?
-----
MoreDread is full of rage but she is also very determined that we do our presentation. She wants our story told.
-----
September 7, 1996. 20 alters have emerged since January. No wonder there is so much turmoil and commotion within. So many to deal with. No wonder. No wonder.
Evil Eye/I (4), the Black Hole, sucks everyone Inside. We become weak and tired. But still we get some work done. Then we really crash. Some of us weeping on the Outside.
We are split about whether or not to do the presentation. Some don’t want us to do it. Others really do. We are torn and scared. But in the end, we continue to do the work.
The presentation will be like the first step off the cliff, a new beginning, a new journey. Our mood goes from such Darkness in the mornings to light and strength in the afternoon and evening. In the Darkness we can barely speak. We cannot let anyone in then. MoreDread has lived in that Darkness, knows it so well, yet she is not afraid of it like so many of us are. She breathes it in and out, like a dragon breathing fire.
Two mirrors facing down and Inside us – the Observers’ (1) mirror and the Core-Mirror – and the one that MoreDread holds faces up towards the Outside world. When we see ourself, when we find who we are, in the Darkest of Shadows and are not afraid, we can reflect back to the world that this is who all humans are.
I, Shell (1, 2), realize today that I am losing who I used to be, the image, the concept of who “Caer” was. I am afraid of losing that familiar ground. I am afraid of moving forward to a new self, an expanded self. I also realize that there is so much ambition, desire and drive Inside us to put out who we are, to write poetry, stories, to draw and paint, to express, to communicate. We pull back from it so often. Often afraid of being named, of being visible.
Ariel (1) is number one cool to the kids Inside. She was very mischievous last night when Lance was visiting. It was neat to see her behave that way and to see Lance’s response. It was like trying something new in our relationship.
A terrible memory breaks the surface and Angéla and Heléna are very distressed. It also enrages MoreDread. Her rage is in our stomach, a hard ball that is so tight and doesn’t move. Angéla is very worried about Heléna who seems sick and weak. Gabriel (3) tries to help a little but that’s all he can do. Raven (3), our body, feels the tiredness, the weakness and MoreDread rages on and on.
17 days to go until our presentation.
In a session with Lyn, we cry and cry for the first 10 minutes. It seemed there was nothing that could be said. Only to feel the grief and the sorrow. My Denial is no longer a solid thing to chip away at, but rather a piece of ice melting so fast. Still there though “I’m making all of this up” and sure that I will be hit by lightning or something as punishment. My Denial is the brake, slowing things down while I digest and digest.
-----
A quick drawing. Just to get an image of us. it is one of togetherness and focusing. A circle of connection. Patience says to us as we form this circle in the Cocoon, to come together for this presentation. Support each other. Take care of each other. Everyone of us must be okay and taken care of.
And then a dream of connecting with people. A wonderful dream. The word “manna” appears. Food from heaven.
No comments:
Post a Comment