172. Stages of Psychological Development (Ages 0 to 18)

A blue wall to protect Baby Isa

[WARNING: Some of this may be triggering]

[Taken from “Dissociation and Stages of Development” by Sara Lambert]

HOPE:  BASIC TRUST vs MISTRUST (age 0 to 1½)

Babies gain trust if they are raised in an environment where they can explore safely, express their emotional and physical needs without punishment and knowing those needs will be met, and count on the consistency of the significant people who care for them. If babies are raised in a dangerous environment where mother (or significant caregiver) abuses them or does not protect them from harm they learn not to trust. Instead they may turn to dissociation as a defence against their feelings and needs.

WILL:   AUTONOMY vs SHAME & SELF-DOUBT (age 1½ to 3)

This is the age where children discover their bodies and how to control them, the first time they get to become powerful. They are able to physically manipulate the world around them and do things for themselves. At this time they gain self-control and self-confidence and start to develop autonomy, starting to think for themselves and establishing a sense of personal identity. They are delighted to define their separateness from other people – such as saying “No!” a lot. They test boundaries and rules.

Abused children discover their bodies in a different way. They find that their body is not a nice place to be. It doesn’t belong to them but to those who harm them. Those who do whatever they want to it and whenever they want. These children learn early on lessons in futility and powerlessness. Whatever mastery they gain is stolen from them repeatedly. As a result these children physically regress, abdicating whatever body control they have gained as an expression of their feelings of helplessness – e.g., wetting the bed, reverting to “baby talk”. They lose their will to be independent and self determining.

Abused children, when testing boundaries and rules, may be told to shut up, be silent, sit still. Some are even physically restrained. They receive the message that they are not allowed to be independent, not allowed to have their own identity. Many children are punished or mocked if they make a mistake and my, in response, become enraged or out of control. Or they may simply withdraw and present as very polite and obedient so as to stay safe. Abused children may be told what their feelings are and end up thinking there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

PURPOSE:  INITIATIVE vs GUILT (age 3 to 7)

At this age children are putting names to things in their world. They are exploring their environment, learning how to deal with things and develop initiative. They test reality and find its limitations. Then they find ways through these limitations using their imagination. They are also discovering their impact on their world and the people in it.

Abused children may be criticized and punished for the impact they make and they learn to feel guilty. Many may eventually take this guilt to an extreme and believe they cause all bad things that happen. They may even feel guilty when praised and feel scared of their impact on others.

Children at this age are extremely vulnerable to what adults tell them. They believe whatever they are told. In ritual abuse, children are deliberately told false things leaving them confused. They may witness a person being “killed” one day and then see them on the street the next day. They may be put in double-bind situations, tricked into believing that they will not be punished for something they do but, upon doing it, get hurt anyway.

Abused children at this stage cannot trust their own perceptions of things. Abusers may take advantage of children’s natural curiosity about sexuality and sexual feelings and make the children feel guilty for their normal feelings.

COMPETENCE:  MASTERY vs INFERIORITY (age 7 to 12)

At this age children begin to develop their social skills and start to become good at certain things. This is the time they define what they are especially interested in. If praised for their talents in these areas, they generally feel assured of them of their skills. However, if they are put down for them, they tend to develop feelings of being inferior which permeates all aspects of their life and their opinion of themselves. If their caregivers take too much control of children’s lives, these children will see that they have no power and thus see themselves as incompetent and that their own wishes are unimportant. They live their lives for other people.

Many abused children in these situations go on to be teased or bullied by other children, or are hesitant to be around others because they feel dirty, bad or different. They end up having a hard time feeling a sense of entitlement to be alive.

FIDELITY:   IDENTITY vs IDENTITY CONFUSION (age 12 to 18) à WHO AM I?

At this age adolescents gather together all their talents, preferences, faults, and dislikes and puts them all together – integrated under the heading “Me”. Then they figure out where “Me” fits in the world. They experiment with different roles, value systems and attitudes to find a place where they feel they belong. They go around asking “Who am I?” all the time.

But children who have been abused often find it difficult to find that sense of “I”. They can’t find all the pieces of themselves to integrate into one identity and they can’t find somewhere to belong. Instead their ego is fragmented, unanchored and separate even from their self. Without that sense of “I”, they are not able to feel fidelity towards themselves much less to others, nor can they connect in a real and deep way with the world. They remain alone.