173. The Woem Stoene

"Black Fire That Spits Rage"

[WARNING: Some of this may be triggering]

January 28, 1997: Caer has been very depressed and suicidal with more memories surfacing about her stepfather. She is feeling discouraged and hopeless – like this will be how her life will always be. ...The 3 alters most affected are “the fossils” and she showed drawings of them. [Lyn]

Group stuff again. We are thinking of not going to the support group for multiples anymore. It has become increasingly difficult. It is not the women in it. Three of them we consider to be our best friends. They are all wonderful women. We think it is fear on our part more than anything. We seem to have reached a point, a wall of some kind where the “secrets”, the memories are very intense, and very, very scary to reveal. We don’t mind talking about stuff that doesn’t go so deep – which means talking to strangers or people who don’t know us as much.

We don’t want to share these deeper “secrets” with friends, only in therapy. Partly we are afraid of exploding with emotion. Maybe we are afraid for our friends. That somehow our words and emotions will harm them. Is it possible that the trickery in abuse is there too? First you trust someone, then you tell them the “secrets”, then they say “Ah ha. Caught you.” And you are punished.

Someone says our stepdad raped us. Not Katy Ann (2) or Julia (1) though. Someone else Inside.

Tir (1) has withdrawn back Inside and taking more medication, more anti-psychotic. Very upsetting to some of us. Concern about the drugs and concern about Tir. She knows what’s coming and she doesn’t think she can handle it. I, Shell (1, 2), wonder if I can too.

Fossilize – “to cause to be out of harmony with present time and circumstances”; to become rigid and fixed”

Some call these children The Fossils (6st) because they are embedded in The Woem Stoene.

In the session with Lyn one of The Fossils emerged and told Lyn a bit of her memory of The Game. A group of the adults played a terrible game with a group of us kids. It was horrible to watch and it was horrible to be in it.

While reassociating this memory with Lyn, Gabriel (3) told The Fossils to tell Lyn who they saw there that day. Our stepdad. He was part of the group. Some have known all this time that he was there back then and they knew even when he married our mom. Rage and tears of grief. Someone says Julia created The Fossils. So when, I ask, was Julia created?

January 30, 1997: Caer asked to see me on an urgent basis. More memories are surfacing about her stepfather and she feels she is “going to die”. Abreaction. Calmer toward the end.

-----

Once again we cannot finish something. Just like the journal writing workshop back in 1992 or whenever that was, we attend this shamanic workshop on “extractions” and can only do one day instead of two. It just feels so awful and so very painful. And I feel as if I have failed. One part was amazing though. Working in partners one of us had to find the location of an “intrusion”, a wound of sorts, or a place where energy is blocked on the other person. Our partner was so accurate, right over the Woem Stoene, our uterus. She described the area as dense and she couldn’t see though it. She also felt some anxiety (ours) around it. It was the same when she worked on our back, the same area but this time the spot lacked energy. She could not feel any. Neither hot or cold. Just nothing. (Dead (4)).

She also felt a bubbling around our throat, like bubbles rising to the surface. At one point, we became hoarse while trying to tell her something. And she felt a lightness in our head. We wonder if that’s because The Beacon was ejected. That weight gone. We thought we were prepared for this workshop but now we don’t think so. We need to do more personal work before performing extractions on other people. More healing first you guys.

Lately we have been quite hoarse. Losing our voice.

We need to ask for help and support. We’re in a lot of pain again, dealing with incest. And I’m sure I’m making it worse. I want to deny so much and I feel like a fool. I feel as if I am causing this intrusion, the Woem Stoene, that I am holding onto it. I am simply making all of this up. And now our throat is sore. Not surprising. We got sick after the journal writing workshop as well. I can’t believe that my stepdad hurt me like the others are telling me. I feel guilty for all of it. I deserve bad things to happen to me.

-----

We acknowledge this latest Level - 15. Some call it Soul. Others call The Stoene. It is such a big place. In it you find both Life and Death. We feel so close to Death. It sits beside us, not an enemy really, though it scares us. Death, as ally and helper tells us we must let go of life, to just let it go and be lived. We keep trying.

The Pieces are gone, released back to where they belong. Una (4) has been grieving the loss and Badb (4) is also very sad. I don’t really understand how it is they are gone much less who they were. A part of the children’s army, yes, The Juidith Warriors. Oh ... apparently Una is temporarily blind as well. I don’t understand that either. Maybe there is something she does not want to face, not want to see.

We keep trying to do things and we are reminded by The Elders that what we do is not who we are. We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to prove ourself. But many of us feel the need to do exactly that, prove our worth in the world.

He, the carrier of the Woem Stoene, is closer again and a memory is soon to emerge. Many of us feel his coming and we are scared. But we are bigger than him now – way bigger. The Beast he comes back.

Someone writes a memory in our journal. I feel nothing reading it. or is that numbness? Maybe feeling numb is not nothing. Maybe it is shock and denial. A dead feeling. I don’t know. It is hard to digest these memories. Very hard. I don’t know how to.

MoreDread (4) describes the Woem Stoene, where it came from. He, The Beast Without, put stones inside of us, to remind us of other things. “Remember who you are” he tells us. The Stoene aches in our Woem all the time now and dark clouds press down on our head. A great weight. Very depressing.

Timothy’s Shadow (3) was also split. Another alter split off from him. He comes out today at Lyn’s and kicks with his feet, squeals in terror. He “speaks” in short one-syllable sounds.

MoreDread screams all the way down the street “REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!!!”. How embarrassing. She carries most of the terror in us right now and tells us that every time we tell a secret we “die”. She watches us die. But we will continue to tell despite this. We have to. No other choice. Some things in us must die.

February 18, 1997: Caer’s voice is worse – yet she is reluctant to see the ENT [Ear, Nose & Throat] specialist next week. It brings up memories of forced oral sexual abuse.

Maybe we scream too much. Or maybe we tell too many secrets. Our body, Raven (3), responds with fear by making us hoarse, so it is difficult to speak. Or maybe our stepfather’s reach is farther than we thought. From out of his grave his hand gets hold of us, covers our mouth, tries to prevent us from revealing who he really is. But the truth prevails and snakes its way to our tongue. CF (1) was also abused by him. at James Street. I thought it was Olive’s nephew all this time but no. My mother says that I used to sit at the top of the stairs and scream every time a man came to the front door. It was glass with a sheer curtain on it. Is it possible that it was only when The Beast Himself came that I screamed? Is my mother’s memory a little faulty, a little protective?

Lance says that he is not surprised about our stepdad, given everything we have told him over the years.