Well there’s definitely a shift within today. Yesterday was an interesting day, especially the afternoon. We met a woman from the support group for coffee and it was a great visit. Then we went for a walk. When we got home we sat down and read and read and read. There have been times lately when we have wanted to do just that – read for hours and hours. We also felt a sense of deep tiredness and fatigue. Not just physically but very much mentally and emotionally. It was almost an urgent need. And when we are able to concentrate it becomes very quiet Inside.
Since so many of us, 2/3 of The Web that is, moved into what we call “The Cradle”, it has gotten a lot quieter in Maura. Many of us have done what we needed to do and are now at peace. We thought maybe it was an official integration, where all of them became one self, but in time one alter or another would speak up about something. So we are all still separate in our individuality and that’s not a problem for us. Like I said, it has become very quiet most of the time.
The sense of quiet though is not the absence of something. It feels more like a deepening within ourself. Of course, The Cradle is the deepest level, Level 18, which follows Level 17 which is called our Deepest Self. So I guess we have gone even deeper than our deepest self. Hmm. How does that happen? Oh ... that’s beyond self. Ira Progroff who designed very in-depth journal workshops said that each of us has our own well, that deepest part of us. And further down is one well that we all connect with. We think that the work we must do on ourselves is self-focused and the next step is to move beyond self, to transcend self and make contact with others. By others we mean all sentient beings, not just people. That is one of our takes on spirituality. Connecting to things beyond just the personal. Expanding our universe.
We had one dream last night that was extremely troubling and when we woke up from it we were very relieved to find it was only a dream. This has been happening a lot lately. Some of our dreams feel so real that they are reality. Then we wake up and are surprised that there is another reality. Our waking reality. In last night’s dream we were fighting with this couple. We were playing a board game with them and they cheated. We felt so angry at them for that and we hit the woman, who was pregnant. Once we hit her on the ear, the second time we pushed her off a table until she fell on the floor. Something you absolutely don’t do to a pregnant woman. Next thing we know the RCMP have arrived and trying to sort out what’s going on. As they do so we Webers are terrified because we know they will press charges for assault and we will go to jail. We so regret hitting the woman but we were so angry we could not control ourself. Going to prison was so frightening and we sat and cried. What a relief it was to wake up.
Our dreams have been intense lately and often repetitive. We have never experienced this before. I wonder what is going on so deep within, what are we trying to tell ourself.
Reading more of Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled and Beyond”. He says that the time to go to therapy is when you are stuck. Oh. That’s so clear. Well, we are not stuck. Definitely not. We are on one of those moving sidewalks. Moving not too slowly and not too fast. Time enough to see all the “sights” along the way. Time enough to question what we are learning and discovering. Peck says when we are stuck we are in “a condition of inefficiency”. And when this condition exists “there is a potentially unnecessary lack of competence”.
Competence. Basic competence, Peck says, is where we are able to meet the demands of life, have good problem-solving skills, able to organize our life and/or have an excellent memory. But there is something further than this – “true competence”. This, he says, is “more about growing in wisdom than accumulating mere knowledge. It entails striving toward a psychological and spiritual maturity that results in real personal power.” Ah. Personal power.
We have been told by a few people that we have some kind of power and it has always surprised us. And scared us. the fear? That we will become arrogant and self-righteous about our power. That we will develop some kind of superiority complex. That we will forget to stay open to learning, to not judge others, to stay humble. One of our deepest fears.
But if we define our personal power in terms of Peck’s description then yes we do have it. We do try to focus on learning from everything we do. We work hard at changing our judgemental attitudes, and constantly remind ourself to stay humble and open. The best thing about this power is that every day is exciting in some way. Even when we are depressed we wonder what we might discover about it and possibly work through until we are no longer depressed .... or stuck.
Okay enough “bragging” or whatever that is. The neat thing about these realizations is that we experience more clarity about life and what people can do to get out of their stuckness. Many people in the support group are stuck and we hurt for them. We so want to fix them, take them out of that place, as many other people in the support group also want to do. Sometimes that room is so full of compassion and caring and love. But ... we think that stuckness is a useful place to be. It is part of the journey and we also need to let others take their journey and discover things for themselves. As we did.
So here’s to all of us growing and learning. To eventually getting out of our stuckness and growing older and wiser as time moves on. Here’s to the paths we all take in our life and here’s to helping each other along those paths.
-----
1997
The dark and blackened wings of my father spread outward upon his back, out in full stance, ready to lift his body up and out, back to where he came from. [Serena (5)]
There are questions about MEA (8), about The Fossils (6st), The Jackal (5) and Serena. There is a connection between MEA and Serena. There is a story there, of them threatening her and her “father”. And The Jackal, another Beast Without? Serena’s story of her “father” is about a man who is kind and full of care for his daughter. But the alter she created, The Jackal, is supposed to be her “father” as well but he is not the one in her story. And her relationship with him has been incestuous. Also she and The Jackal created Angéla (5) and Heléna (5) as “daughters”. Incest again. And MoreDread (5) supported the incestuous relationship. Why?
Issues about fathers. The Beast Without was our stepfather. Our real father, our biological father, we never met. But he met us. Well, he saw us one day. Our mother told us he did. Once, when we were older, we wrote to him. Looked up his name in the phone book and sent him a letter. It came back with no such person at that address. But it was in the phone book. Nevertheless, we did not pursue the matter. By now he has died, as he also was much older than our mother.
And that’s another issue. Having sex with an older man seems symbolically incestuous to us. Our stepfather was 30 years older than our mother. Our grandmother married a man 20 years older than herself. And we “fell in love” with a man 20 years older than ourself, back in 1990. What is it with us women in the family?
Blue is us, The Web, blue royal blood. Black is Him, The Beast Without.
-----
We call him The Stoene (6st) – the alter who was split off from T-Shadow (3), created by MoreDread. The Fossils and others live inside The Stoene. Many of the children Inside fear The Stoene and fear MoreDread.
A drawing is done in session with Lyn. We interpret it but many of us don’t yet realize what it really means.
First we need to “become” who we are. Becoming is about learning who we are.
Then we need to “be” who we are. Being is about knowing who we are.
Alanis Morissette says it exactly
“You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn.
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn”
Thank you Alanis.
No comments:
Post a Comment