182. ACCESS DENIED

"Denial Lives"

not multiple

not split

Denial lives in fragments

feathered mirror selves

we are ... we are not

not wanting to face it anymore

tired of the splits

[WARNING: some language may offend]

June/97

A dream about wasps. These people bring this fruit in from somewhere. It is shaped just like a penis, with an opening where the wasps come out of. We have got to run from them. However, if we stand still, really still, the swarm will fly past and not harm us. But one time a wasp stops and sits on our cheek. We have to stand still and it is so difficult to do. The Little Ones, the kids Inside, Little (4), Katy Ann (2) and others are very upset by this dream. Probably some of us adults too. We give the kids some extra comfort – holding the dolls close, turning on the tv.

Another name. Blue (6mf). Though some call her “Brain Child”.

Session with Lyn. A lot of difficulty. We try to get through to a memory or whatever it is that sits there. Something the system knows we need to deal with but it seems a push-pull situation. I mean there seems to be a split. Mostly The Codes (6mf) on one side and some of us who are eager to move through the stuff on the other. But The Codes are angry because we don’t understand the ramifications of remembering. Their memories are not like ours. They are cemented within them. We cannot retrieve them the same way as we have with the others. It’s got to be done using a grid. Their memories must be retrieved square by square.

Someone says that Blue is pretty smart and gave out just the right amount of information the other night when a drawing and poem were being done. The door was open for a while then it was closed again. Only so much information at one time. It was pretty frustrating at dance therapy class last night too. Some of us had hoped we would be able to work on something but we couldn’t get near things. However, The Codes did give us an image of a huge steel door that separates them from the rest of us. On the door it says several things à “ACCESS DENIED”, “AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY” and “RESTRICTED AREA”. I think we get the message. Oh, also, it’s a big computer room. A computer like they used to have in the 50s, or whenever that was when they were first made. Big machines with blinking lights and tapes going round and round. The room is called Mainframe.

One more bit of info they are giving us. When they are in “cuboid” form, that is when they are cubes and not human, they don’t have any emotions. But when they are in “humanoid” form they do. Do they have a choice of form or what causes them to go from one to another?

Steeled Ivory (6mf), or Ivory Steeled, or Ivy says she prefers to be called Victoria. We’re not sure why she has so many different names but Victoria it is. If that’s what she wants. And she has eyes all over her body.

Bird eye view.

Look through to me

Inside mirror blue

Deep inside is you.

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The shits man! Everyting da shits!! We so fuckin depressed it be bad

Don’t know who that is that wrote that but they are right. We feel very tired and our throat is sore. For some reason the skin on our back is a bit sore. It’s been like that for 2 or 3 days now. Don’t know why. And we have no focus. Nothing that really inspires us.

During dance therapy class we kept getting an image of a black iron post, with a sharp point on it, our body impaled upon it and hanging helplessly. We were asked to draw a picture in class so we drew this image a bit. Within the image we knew was a memory.

Stoene Boy (6st) came out briefly in dance therapy.

There was some relief last night after the session but still a lot of fear. Fear and anxiety this morning as well. Some of that might be due to the fact that Lyn is away for 2 weeks and that is really scary. She gave us her chain to wear while she’s away and we gave her our blue stone to bring back.

Place (6mf) emerges. Another of The Codes. She helps doing a drawing called “Finding Place” and talks briefly to Lance.

We feel desperate to do something. The depression is bad and there is so much rage.

We have applied to the ten-month dance therapy program. The same woman who does our class now will be leading it. We want this something bad. She says that she wants applicants (participants if accepted) to do individual dance therapy sessions in the summer first. That would be great. We are more than willing to do them. There is a “wall” that we keep hitting. We are hoping to break through it in dance therapy.

And the information comes. Another name. Another Code. Cast Iron Will (6mf) (or Wall). This is, he is the “wall” we need to break through.

We also feel our creativity is blocked. We want to draw, write, dance.... but feel unable to. Keep hitting that “wall”.

And the last two. They are Binary Codes – “0” and “1”. All nine are named now.

Bone Bruised

Brain

Victoria (Steeled Ivory, Ivory Steeled, or Ivy)

Voice-Mercury

Blue (Brain Child)

Cast Iron Will/Wall

Place

Binary 0

Binary 1

The pain got so bad  that someone Inside took a few too many Ativan. It scared us and so we went to hospital. We were okay though. But the next day it happened again. Don’t know how many. Didn’t go to hospital this time though. We did go out with Lance and we were pretty wobbly and sleepy, falling down. Lance wondered how many we took. And he was mad. I don’t blame him and I feel bad about it. ashamed. At the same time, there is sadness because of all the stuff coming up from The Codes. So much pain and despair. They didn’t think they could bear it.

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And one emerges who is not one of The Codes. Her name is Scout (8) and she was created by Belle (3). Similar to Makkio (4), she was created to be on the lookout. For.....? The question is, why does she emerge at this time? No answer at the moment.

Place is like Patience (1). An ISH (Inner Self Helper) for The Codes. Helps the rest of the group in some way.

Life cannot be normal ever again if all the codes are broken. We are better off as untamed wild horses – cuboids. [not true!!]

CAST IRON WILL RAISES HIS FIST. WE MAY BE LOSING OUR BALANCE SOMETIMES BUT IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE TEETERING ON THE BRINK OF WAR.

The Binary Codes – everything and nothing we are.