181. The Sorcerer's Apprentice

"Alliances Within"

Okay, well maybe not a sorcerer but definitely an apprentice. Tee-Tee (Timothy (3)), only 11 years old, is fast becoming a cook. Yesterday we took the day off from blogging to make bread. It was Tee-Tee’s first time and he thoroughly enjoyed it. The bread wasn’t a huge success (it would make a good lethal weapon) but still tasted yummy. Wrong flour. What a process though. It took up our whole morning almost. But it was fun.

The day before we didn’t blog because we were doing some research for our housing co-op. Finding out about disaster preparedness kits for each site of our co-op. You just never know when the big one’s going to hit.

Hartly and Stoene Boy (6st) have been pretty active as usual. Chattering away which always draws Panda Bear’s attention. Ariel (1) has been reading a lot and we have been watching some things on tv that we’re not proud of. Like “The Bachelor”. We don’t normally watch it and probably won’t again. Some reality shows are just too much. Extreme couponing? People making animals out of balloons? Storage wars? But we do like some reality shows and there are times when we just want to watch tv for hours. One of our favourites is prison shows. We are fascinated with prison environments and how people survive in them.

We are struggling off and on with major fatigue. Some days we are fine and other days it’s a major effort to move. Why are we so tired? And today we feel a little depressed but interestingly we are not fighting it. We sat and meditated and just allowed the feelings. As soon as we finish this post we are going to go and read and relax. And this afternoon we go to the support group. Taking good care of our needs helps a lot and we seem to be needing a lot of rest. Nothing stressful.

Back to 1997.

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There is a question as to who created The Codes (6mf). We’ll sort it out at some point.

T-Shadow (3) out last night with Lance, upset about things so he was kicking and fretting. Timothy (3) was also out and Caere (6st) and Reed (6st).

Some progress made I guess in our session with Lyn today. First we saw Edith for a herbal remedy for Tir (1) which was totally appropriate. Mustard for melancholia. A black cloud descending upon her for no apparent reason.

A lot of switching in the session. Even Patience (1) comes out because of the discussion about Tir throwing out her medication. Some feel she did it out of pressure from others Inside rather than her own choice to finish with them. We got more today and some of us are relieved. Tir obviously still needs the meds. I don’t know the last time Patience came out to talk to Lyn.

We gave Lyn some details about The Codes being abused.

This evening we are hit by intense nausea and a strange feeling at the back of our head. A sort of tightness. It was there in our therapy session too. Quite possibly more body memories. Patience thinks that the arguments about Tir’s medication is a distraction from the pain of betrayal by our stepfather. She could be right about that.

We are relieved that Lyn believes us. Some of us have been afraid of not being believed. If we are not believed, we will feel abandoned and have no support so it’s really important we feel believed. Afraid of being seen simply as crazy and taking things to the extreme. Making it all up.

Still having difficulty breathing this evening. We told Edith about the shallow breathing, and tight throat. Two things we have had for decades. She thought it was a fear of speaking. Sounds quite plausible. All these years. Silent. But now our body screams its secrets. The desire to tell is so strong.

Lyn wants us to cut back to seeing her every 2 weeks, instead of every week. Some are angry about this. Probably fear of her not being there for us as much.

Some of The Codes witnessed other people being abused and hurt. They are so afraid of speaking about it. we write a memory in our journal.

Another name – Brain (6mf). He is Code number 9.

Yesterday we were in The Daerke, a place that lies between the Inside and the Outside world. But also a place of awareness of both realities at the same time. Aware of everyone Inside. It’s different than The Oubliette/Forgettery which is really dissociation I think. A blankness, emptiness. Can’t feel Raven (3), our body, then. Only Raven can feel Raven then.

Voice-Mercury is becoming more vocal. The words are coming.

Hitting another wall of pain, we think of the dance therapist and what she would ask us to do. She would ask where do you feel it in your body. What does it look like? What does your body want to do? It looks like a big hole in the middle of us. an emptiness. Hollow. And we want to fill it up with something tangible. Something we can focus on and make our life feel like it has a purpose.

It is a scream that surfaces. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! Every day he was there. Never leaving us alone. Always wanting something from us. those words, though, they spread into many other parts of our present life. The phone rings we want to pick it up and say LEAVE ME ALONE!! The co-op wants us to do some work. LEAVE ME ALONE!! A pressure that bears down upon us from above, so hard. A great weight from above pressing down. We struggle to get away. To be free. To be light as a feather.

Please, we whisper in desperation, a final breath ... please .. leave me alone.

An unleashing of the grief. We sob deeply and there is release and relief.