Now watch this fire
Burn!
Burn!
Burn!
This pendant has a story to it and it represents an acknowledgement on our part of where we are in our life right now. It seems an affirmation of our self-actualization, our reaching a destination point. We are being all of who we are, living to our fullest potential at this moment.
Let’s back up a moment and talk about desire and dreaming and a wish. You may or may not have heard of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Back in 1954 he wrote a book called “Motivation and Personality”. In it he said that humans have needs and those needs can be arranged in a hierarchical pyramid, as below.
So, our most fundamental needs are at the bottom. The need for food and water and other basic physical things must be met first before we can focus on any other need. Next comes our need for safety and security, then we can focus on friendship and family and finally the need for achievement and the respect of others. Except for the physiological needs at the bottom of the hierarchy, if the needs for safety, love and self-esteem are not met, we end up feeling anxious and tense, dissatisfied with our life. When the bottom four needs are not just met but are “mastered” then we can then turn to our highest need for self-actualization. Maslow coined the term “metamotivation” meaning the motivation we have that is beyond the scope of the basic needs. It is here that we strive to “better” ourselves. Here is where we seek growth and we strive for the most use of our talents and potential, “to become everything that one is capable of becoming” (Wikipedia), to be all who we are.
It seems that all of us have dreams and desires, goals and ambition. But if we are not getting the most basic of needs met we cannot reach those dreams. Our mind cannot focus on them because it must first focus on survival. But even within the surviving still burns the flame.
Julia (1) had that flame. She carried it for Tir (1) when Tir could not. In the back seat of the car that our mother drove, Julia, age 10, sang softly to herself. And she gazed out the window and thought “Someday I will be someone.” A dream of visibility. A dream of mattering. A dream of shining and a dream of celebration.
Over the years, since 1990 really, when we first fell apart, then found that we were so ill, we learned so much about mental illness. Our focus was mostly on multiple personality but we met so many people who struggled with other conditions such as depression and anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and we learned from them as well. We became a part of a community. We became embedded within the mental health system, both seeking the services of those who helped and providing the services ourselves.
The more we learned the more we yearned to speak out. And the flame within grew bigger and hotter. As time went on we wanted more and more, to “go public”, to tell our story. To write it, to speak it, to share it. And so we did. We spoke wherever we could. Did quite a few presentations about multiplexity and our about our own experience. We also found our confidence growing and then speaking became a passion. People would tell us that we spoke well, that they learned from us, that they appreciated our courage and openness, while we encouraged them to tell others. Spread the word.
So now we come to three days last week. First, Friday April 29th, the royal wedding of William and Kate. We’re not a huge royal fan so we didn’t watch it because of that. We wanted to see it because it was a world event. Two billion people watched it and we wanted to be a part of that. But our real interest lay in Kate Middleton. A “commoner”. We wanted to know how she felt inside. Wanted to know how her life has been so dramatically changed. From a “regular” life to a future queen. Wow.
All of the footage we watched of her, she always seemed calm and confident. And she looked happy. We imagined she was really happy, that this was truly what she wanted to be doing with her life. Maybe it was simply projection because that is what we feel in our life right now. But we don’t think so. She may have been nervous to some extent but we think she accepted that as par for the course. We believe she was living to her fullest potential and it seemed to culminate in that day before all the world. She looked truly happy.
Over the past year or so our happiness has been growing. Being a part of the support group at MDA has meant so much to us. It has become our new “family”, our community, a place we belong. And facilitating some of the groups has become a passion, and so deeply satisfying. It is a way for us to do something that seems so very important – to offer support and comfort, validation and encouragement to all who suffer. It fills our heart up that it almost wants to explode. It makes us know what love is.
So watching the royal wedding, watching Kate Middleton, was the mirror we looked in to see our own reflection of where and who we are right now.
That was Day 1.
Saturday April 30 was Day 2. The family conference hosted by MDA. We were on a panel of 5 talking about our experiences with the mental health system. The panel was the last thing of the day, in the late afternoon, so we attended all the other events until then. We took notes and learned a little more about the issues that concern us all when it comes to mental illness. But Inside, we were anxious to do the panel. We were excited about it. Public speaking is terrifying for so many people. Some are even more afraid of it than death. But not us. We absolutely love it. Thrive in it. Embrace it.
Finally it was our turn to speak. We looked up at the audience in the auditorium, almost blinded by a light from the ceiling, and we spoke. It was only for a few minutes. We had notes and they were very organized as we had worked on them and practiced for a few days prior to the conference. But it was more than just words on paper, more than one moment in time. It was us expressing all of who we are, straight from our heart. Willing to open ourself and be vulnerable and know that no one could hurt us anymore. No one could silence us or threaten us with punishment if we told.
Oh that felt so good. And once again we had reached self-actualization. Our potential.
That was Day 2.
Sunday May 1 was Day 3. On our way to Galiano, where Lance’s house was. We hadn’t been there for about 6 months which is an unusually long time for us not to go there. But the excitement of going was there as always. Being there is always a gift, always special and it always seems to have a sense of “going home”. Going home to ourself, to nature, and to life in its richest. And there was a surprise on the way there. Lance and us usually go to the Tsawwassen Quay while waiting for the ferry. It is filled with all kinds of stores and there were a few new ones. One of them was a store full of crystals and Tarot cards and all sorts of “spiritual” kinds of things. We were drawn to an arrangement of crystals which had a pendant and bracelet attached lying in the arrangement. It was the amethyst pendant (the one above) that particularly had our interest. We picked it up and asked the store owner how much it was. “Oh” she said “that’s mine. It’s not for sale. It was given to me. Sorry”. We said that was okay. It was just a thing of beauty. And we sauntered off to look at more things in the store.
Suddenly the woman was there, touching our shoulder, and in her hand lay the pendant. She looked at us and said “I have to give this to you.” What? “I think you should have this.” Wow. She had to be kidding, didn’t she? No, she wasn’t. She felt it was time to pass it along. And she said, that in time, we may feel the same and want to pass it along to someone else. We were blown away.
What about us had made her feel she had to give us this beautiful gift? Maybe she thought that somehow we needed it right now in our life. Something to help us on our journey. Maybe. Who knows. But now, some of us say, we won’t be taking this off for a very long time. This is a very special gift and we must be receiving it at the time that is right. Okay. Sounds hokey but maybe it’s very spiritual too. I guess it’s what we make of it. Nonetheless, it is definitely special and we will treasure it.
That was Day 3.
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So on that note we segue into all that high falutin’ stuff to talk about states of ecstasy and addiction. What’s the connection? Why are we even writing about it and what does it have to do with the rest of what we’ve written today? Because we know about both. And funnily enough, the amethyst stone has been traditionally worn to guard against drunkenness and to help with cravings, among other things. Well, way back in 1990 and 1991 when the multiplexity emerged our mind was all over the place. It was pure chaos. And at times, I, Shell (1, 2), experienced states of ecstasy. Maybe it was psychosis or maybe it was some kind of “religious” or spiritual state. I like to think that it was that flame within burning hotter than ever. A flame of desire and the need to reach our potential and be all that we are.
Many people think that addiction is about escaping pain in our lives and that’s probably a main factor leading towards addiction. But we have a book called “The Transformers” by Jacquelyn Small, and she believes that people are not so much escaping from something as running towards something. They are seeking something in that substance. We think that something is a spiritual state of enlightenment, a state of ecstasy, of profound insight, a state of self-actualization. In it we feel a deep sense of understanding into the nature of our being and a sense of connection to all living things. When it comes to addiction, that may be one of the main reasons why people are drawn to certain substances. They are looking for that state of enlightenment.
There are days when we are on Galiano that we reach that state. Sort of. Maybe not quite as profound but we often feel a deeper sense of connection to our inner self and to nature. It feels like a peak experience and we feel “high”. As if we were stoned or intoxicated. And being on Galiano is certainly intoxicating. It feels very spiritual. In touch with the gods, whoever they may be.
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