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| Picture by Archimedes |
Dance therapy was amazing and it was very hard for us. It was 1997 and we were in the midst of some of the most intense parts of our healing journey. Tir (1) loves dancing. It is one of her passions to express herself deeply through dance. However, “performing” in front of others is very triggering for some of us. It is a source of shame and embarrassment. It reminds us of some of the abuse, times when we were forced to “perform”. But we did the 10-month program and in the end, we were very proud of ourself for sticking to it.
One of the hardest parts was the exercises where we had to use our voice as well as dance. Moaning and groaning again reminded us so much of the abuse. It was intensely embarrassing and it also seemed to represent a loss of control. Still ... we tried as hard as we could. And we did.
One of the things we really wanted to do, ironic as it is, was to create a performance for a live audience. About 4 or 5 months in to the program we said we wanted to do this and we asked for anyone interested in helping us put it all together. We were so surprised when most of the group said they wanted to be involved. So we began having meetings with everyone, setting schedules, assigning work. But first we needed to tell them about us so they would have a bit of understanding about our multiplexity. Some people were quite overwhelmed but everyone remained interested.
We wrote a script and figured out when the dancing would happen. We thought about props and people and dances and words. We worked on it intensely for months. And then we crashed. We were overcome with terror and could not follow through to an actual performance. We felt so ashamed of ourself and thought we had failed miserably. But lo and behold, all of these wonderful women were not at all angry at us, did not show any disappointment, but rather turned and “loved” us. After our announcement that we couldn’t do it, we missed the next session. We felt so debilitated. But after the session one of the women dropped off a huge card signed by all of them and telling us how much they still supported us. We could hardly believe it. It didn’t matter to them that we couldn’t do it.
We returned to the program and the teacher suggested a smaller performance just for the class, not open to the public. A twenty minute “show”. And we said yes. We put together a small show. We chose some pieces of music – Peter Gabriel, Sarah McLachlan. We elected to do four pieces, two of which involved the whole class in improvisation. None of the dances were choreographed. Our favourite piece was a dance we did with one of the women from the group who was a therapist. She reminded us of Lyn and we wanted to tell a story through dance about Lyn and how she had helped us. That was our favourite piece.
The performance went well. It wasn’t spectacular. We held back. We could tell because the “show” was videotaped. When we saw it we could see how much we held back. It made us cringe but we also acknowledged that we did the best we could. We were proud of ourself for doing something. We were very scared about it and we pushed through the fear. At the end of the course we all got together at the teacher’s house and watched the video. Everyone was in it and that was a real celebration. We had succeeded in some way and that was all we really needed.
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Back in 1992, Lyn mentioned a drama therapist we knew who could videotape some of us if we wanted. We said yes. Oh was that something else. The therapist, who we will call Tanya, had a huge closet full of clothes and costumes. Annie Charlie (1) and CF (1) were the first to choose and they did it together. They picked out a pink dress, several crinolines, a tiara and a wand. Yes, they were a princess. Then they stood before the camera that Tanya held. Annie Charlie was first. Tanya was wonderful. Even though she didn’t know a lot about multiple personality, she treated Annie Charlie as a young child and we were thrilled. She asked Annie Charlie about her favourite things – food, activities, friends. As far as friends were concerned, CF was Annie Charlie’s best friend in the whole world. Then an amazing piece of synchronicity happened. Tanya began to zoom in on Annie Charlie who, at that point, started to close her eyes. Upon opening them, those eyes belonged to CF. Lyn was there and she recognized right away that it was CF. Tanya did not realize that she had caught the two girls right in the middle of switching.
Black Widow (3) and Tir (1) were also on the video. Black Widow dressed all in black, black dress, black gloves and a black veil on her face. The veil was so appropriate as, in one way, she wanted to be a bit more visible and speak out, but she was afraid of being too well seen. Again Tanya asked many questions and Black Widow answered honestly. Upon viewing, it was not always easy to hear what she had to say, but many of us were proud of her anyway. We knew how scared she was.
Tir dressed in a black dress, as she does Inside, but chose a straw hat and a wig of shoulder length hair. She looked very much like the card we had found that we thought looked like her. Tir was very shy and timid, and spoke very softly. But she spoke truthfully as well and Tanya was very supportive once again.
When we got home that day we immediately put the video on and for me, Shell, it was an absolute shock. I burst out laughing and then started crying, then laughing and crying. I could not hold my emotions in. This was validation to an extreme. I could not doubt anymore that I was multiple. It was nothing short of incredible.
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So there you have it. A few of the ways we have made use of the resources in the mental health system - from working with a psychiatrist (post #185) to working with Penny, the student doing her practicum in art therapy (post #186), to our hospital experiences (post #186), Reiki, or spiritual channelling, with Mary (post #186), to dance therapy and doing a video of some of us.
Overall we have benefitted greatly from what there was to offer. We have mostly felt supported and encouraged, and have felt treated with genuine compassion and care. Any of our more “negative” experiences has helped us to realize and understand that it is not a perfect system and that changes definitely need to be made. And there are people out there who are doing their best to help make those changes, to recognize what doesn’t work, to ask the questions that are needed. We are committed to educating people about multiple personality as well as other mental illnesses and to speak out as much as possible. We have been on committees and gone to workshops and events and met so many people like us who are telling their stories and doing whatever they can to make changes. There is plenty of hope for the system. We just need to keep pursuing our dreams and goals.
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