195. The Big House Fire



Us at age 19.
One day we will break that window.

Aug, 1997: why do we get sick almost every year around this time? Is it a body memory of some sort? Maybe someday we will find out the answer but not yet.

The Blue Ones (6st), Place (6mf) and Cast Iron Will (6mf) are “structural” alters like Old Self (2) and The Controller (2) are. The Blue Ones are the tears for The Codes (6mf) and Cast Iron Will is the wall around Mainframe. A protective wall. Place is also a wall of some sort. Someone said she’s a Blue Glass Wall made up of the tears from The Blue Ones. We are so complicated aren’t we? It’s the way to hide yourself though. That’s why. Twists and turns so no one can get in, especially those who abused us.

Feelings of vertigo lately coming from Julia (1). Way back when. On the fire escape of the school close by. Way up high. And a sudden dizziness that was never there before. Something must have happened that day to cause the vertigo. Today we feel it again. Though it’s more a feeling of falling. Off a cliff edge. Yup. That seems about right. We are definitely falling off some edge and into a great abyss. What’s down there? We don’t know yet. At least I don’t think we do. Meanwhile, Julia needs some grounding.

Like Bone Bruised (6mf) we understand that face in the mirror. It says “Here I am now. It’s time for you to deal with me. You can no longer hide in the shadows.”

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A dream that shakes us to the core. not the first time this has happened and because it shakes us up so much we figure it must be very important. Trying to tell ourself something.

The dream. A group of us, all women, some holding children, and we are wearing long dresses. It might be the late 1800’s. One woman is in despair. She has a gun and is about to shoot herself. Instead the gun turns into a flame thrower. She aims it and fires at part of a house. The house goes up in flames. It is a huge wooden house. She does it several times. Then we all begin screaming. We are terrified by the noise and the fire. A wall is crackling and grinding as it falls straight down. We all have to run through it. Then we wake up and many of us are in shock.

(Warning: This dream may be triggering for some)

But not me-Shell (1, 2). I don’t seem to have any emotions about it only  a sense of wonder that some of us are so upset. Yet I’m sure I was one of those women and that I held a child in my arms. We are still trembling from the fear. Then we slip into another dream that is even more frightening. This time a bug, maybe a scorpion, is crawling on us. We yell at Lance to help get it off. We get it off but Lance says “It ain’t over yet”. There are more bugs. Then we go outside and there is a wolf. Huge and scary. We see a tree and it has a young wolf hanging dead from its limbs. Other things hanging as well.

We have more nightmares in the days following.

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Caere (6st) has not been out at night with Lance for two nights now. She has been out every night before this. Even Katy Ann (2) doesn’t know where Caere is. And Little (4) has been whimpering and wanting to cuddle with Lance.

We cry during most of the session with Lyn. The walls are coming down and there is so much panic. There is more than just pain inside here though. There is also boredom, restlessness and frustration. I feel disconnected from the others, feel flat and empty. And I know, sense, that my role in the Web is slowly changing. To what I’m not clear.

But some answers come.

In The Lost Place. Between the Iew Sae and Mainframe. Caere is in the Iew Sae with Reed (6st). They have some work to do right now but they will be back. The rest of us have to wait for them here and yes, it is a difficult thing for us to do. Thus the boredom, restlessness and frustration. Many of us do want to move on but we can’t yet. There is no light, not even the moon or stars but some of us have faith and know we are in the right place.

The dream. The Big House Fire. That was Belle (2) with the flame thrower.

Place is the Blue Glass Wall that still surrounds us and protects us right now.

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Caere is in the Dark while The Other One lives in the Light. She waits for us in the Light.

Grief knows us by name and calls us. She will not let us go either until she herself has died, been used up. She is a woman made of tears and sorrow and demands our wailing. Every tear must be spent of her. The Big House must be burned down, the walls must fall and we must jump to our own rescue, save our own life. We must save the children too, who preserve our story, our past, our hurts and our innocence. We must jump out of the fire. We must save ourselves.