205. THE PROGRESSION OF RAGE

Yes, we saw Henry, the psychiatrist, yesterday and he was helpful again. We have to say that this is so surprising because in the past, any time we worked with a male therapist, we always hated them at first. They were totally triggering. Either Henry is different or we have changed. We’d like to think it’s us. Maybe we have matured a little. Anyway, we “allowed” him to help us. It was hard and painful work too. He asked us questions that we did not want to answer. Things we did not want to tell him for fear he wouldn’t believe us. But in the end, we told anyway. And it hurt to tell it again. It hurt to remember again.

We took in the pictures we posted yesterday, plus one more. He noticed a progression in them. These ones first.

This is us feeling our rage and the pain of it. Not knowing what to do with it. Defeated by it. Haunted by it. Held captive by it. Powerless.

Then we see “The Beast, Wounded Himself, Attacks in Rage”. This is us and it is our abusers, particularly our stepfather and Michael. We recognize their woundedness and the rage it causes them. We recognize the need to attack, to do something about that rage, to express it in some way – outward by attacking someone else more vulnerable and helpless than themselves. We have also felt the need to attack, though not on someone more vulnerable and helpless than us but on the original beasts themselves. We want to attack our abusers, get back at them for the hurt they have caused us.

And now – The Running of the Beast. Isn’t he beautiful? He is full of colour, with antlers and an axe – weapons to defend himself with, weapons or tools to use. He is more than human, with his six legs and he is rather frightening. In some way, he is the acceptance of our Beast Within, our rage, our shadow, our dark side. He is powerful now and full of life. But this is not the end for us. For this Beast can be dangerous, possibly even savage, attacking without discretion, taking whatever he wants, and that is not what we want to be.

Serena in the Mirror

Sean-Charlotte

What we want is this.  This is some of us. Now. Defiant. Assertive. Angry. Wounded but the look in those eyes says we hold you accountable.

Archimedes

older picture of Elvira

Badb

The words we have wanted to say to our abusers. You are responsible for the harm done. It is solely your fault. We were innocent. And you will not harm us or anyone else ever again. This is true too because, as far as we know, all of our abusers are dead. Long ago. Thank goodness. The world is safe from them. But if they were still alive then maybe we would do whatever we could to prevent them from hurting anyone else. If they were still dangerous. Or maybe we would at least confront them. Face them with their truth.

So now we understand that we must accept the rage within us, the desire for revenge, to vent our anger on those who hurt us. It is a part of us. And that is okay. We must hold both the Dark and the Light. That is integration. That is wholeness. To hold the conflict and the agreement. To hold the dissention and the cooperation. The tension and the ease. It all must live together. It is ... all who we are.