23. Therapy

A Wild Child

 

Before we start, do check out the list of us on the right side of the page. We have now completed the first three groups – The Others (1), The More Others (2) and The Thirteen (3). Today we will fill in Gaetway (4) so take a look.

Yesterday CBC had two things on multiple personality. One was the film “When the Devil Knocks” on The Passionate Eye last night. The other was on CBC am radio, speaking with people who are multiple. Sorry folks we did not watch or listen to either but we are immensely grateful to CBC for giving this condition some good air time.

Today we feel quite down in the dumps. Did some work with Sarah our “therapist” yesterday and it was very hard and painful work. Therapy has become so difficult. It used to be so easy. Back in 1990 we could have done 2 or 3 hours a day. Every day. There was so much in us that needed telling and processing. But after more than 17 years I think we are just plain pooped out. That year was so intense. When we first started therapy in the spring of 1990 we were wound up so tight. The multiplexity hadn’t emerged yet and neither had any word about abuse passed our lips. But bit by bit as we began to unravel the illusions of our past we began to break down.

I, Shell (1, 2), began to feel a pain in my chest, right in the middle. Like the picture above. I remember some doctor we saw put his hand there and did it ever hurt. But I did not understand why. Now I know. That child above is one of The Quynns (6mf). And the wound in her chest is also an alter – one of The ME’s (6r).

Uncovering the abuse and the multiplexity was a journey of immense proportions. It was an expedition to the peak of Mount Everest. And it was fraught with danger all the way. At least it seemed so. We could have given up at any time. We were suicidal a number of times. The worst was when Victoria (6mf) took 50 Ativan in a period of a few hours and with alcohol. That was quite a night. It certainly was for poor Lance. We told him what Victoria had done then calmly said – don’t worry Lance. We’ll just take ourself to hospital. You don’t need to come with us. We’ll be fine. I think Lance’s jaw dropped. For us it seemed like no big deal. But not for Lance. He went with us to the hospital.

We put him through a lot and yet he is still our best friend. What a man eh?

Yes there was so much to tell, to talk about, to work through at that time. So many times of abuse to be remembered. So many alters to get to know. So much to manage. It was a 24/7 job. But at some point, after so many years, it finally slowed down. Then depression came. And losing our psychiatrist of 17 years. And having to move from our home of 21 years. And a colleague committing suicide. We tried to find a new psychiatrist but to no avail. We worked with a counsellor at SAFER temporarily and she was a great help. But still the depression came and went. We needed something but we didn’t know what.

Then we started going to the support group and life began to change. The pain of depression began to lift. We became interested in other people’s journeys. We began to feel we belonged somewhere. The group became a critical life line for us. We still had Lance and Graham and Sarah. But now we had more friends and people who were interested in our story as we were in theirs. It’s been a year and a half now and it is still so life-giving. We feel so very lucky.

Why we’re in the dumps we’re not exactly sure. We think it’s old stuff around our mom. God, who doesn’t feel angry at their parents for something. She was not a bad mother. She did not abuse us. But we have work to do on that relationship and there’s not a lot of time left in her life. She is 97 years old. Amazing eh? She’s a good person and with many stories to tell herself. Graham loves to hear them. It’s his heritage.

Anyway we will carry on. This “depression” will pass and we will work our way through this. Of that we are confident. And we know we can’t do it without others. That is very clear. Maybe, as humans, we are not meant to walk alone.

So here’s to our paths running parallel or crossing. Here’s to our many journeys.

Thanks for listening.