Yes, we did the Joining Ceremony, yesterday, Christmas day, and it went perfectly. We found a beautiful spot to do it, above the train tracks, right next to an Arbutus stump. We had a great view of the lake from up there. Then we walked a short distance along the tracks, listening to the most beautiful music from the movie “Amadeus”. It had snowed more and that just made everything even more beautiful.
The wonderful feelings did not last however. We had a major panic attack while helping with supper. But everyone, David, Kate and Graham were wonderful and so supportive.
Ariel (1) is causing some problems for us. She’s being very stubborn and doesn’t want to listen to any of us. Typical teenager. She’s 13. She just wants to do her own thing. Unfortunately she can’t always do that. We have to find a way to get her to co-operate. She has already caused one problem. We were driving on our way to work when she suddenly popped out and drove us in the opposite direction, towards Granville Island. She wanted to go shopping and we couldn’t stop her. Great! Anyway, we did go shopping. Somewhere deep Inside we wanted to go too I guess. Oh dear. This is not looking good in terms of work. Now we will have to make up the time missed. Fortunately, the job has that flexibility and that we have a boss who is very understanding.
I must be getting used to having the others around as I feel rather lonely when I can’t feel them. Maybe it’s because I’m not in control and when I can’t feel them I’m scared of who will do what. Like dealing with ghosts then. Never sure about what they will do. Very scary and anxiety provoking. It seems at one moment everything is happening at once. Alters coming out and talking and doing their own thing. The next moment and silence. As if the wind had suddenly stopped and all is quiet. But that makes me really nervous. I expect then that at any moment something or someone will burst forth and cause utter chaos and panic. I just don’t know what I’m dealing with here. So much I don’t know.
Maybe Razor Man’s (1) cutting is his own attempt to take control. It doesn’t work exactly but it does get everyone’s attention. I think about CF (1) often and when I don’t feel her I wonder what’s happening with her. She tends to retreat a lot, hiding in some dark corner of our mind until she feels safe enough to come out again.
I keep getting this strange feeling of going up and down. As if I were on a raft in the middle of the ocean, bobbing on the waves. It’s a very lonely feeling of drifting, of being lost.
There is fear inside of bad things to come. Is it the dark before the dawn?
A dream about Graham. He is only 4 or 5 years old. He gets up in the middle of the night wanting cereal. It annoys us and we tell him he can’t do that now. But we alternate between being cross with him and being kind, trying to temper down our anger. He looks up at us and asks us something about us being a role model. “no” we say. “it’s just that I’m tired and ....” Our urge to pick him up and love him is strong. We pour cereal out for him then put our hands out to pick him up and hug him to us. We just love him so much.
I feel like this is a broken soul, a broken body. It has no stability, no solidity. It’s weak inside, wounded and bleeding. I have never felt so bad, so much hurt. Never. There are ghosts chasing us, haunting us. Never leaving us alone.
And yet .... there is a core to build on. There is hope within. We are reconstructing ourself, like building a new house, starting with the foundation. That must be strengthened first then we can begin to build the walls.
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We are angry at John for being so kind and understanding. It makes CF want so much to sit on his lap and be cuddled. She hurts with such longing. She misses him so much when we don’t have a session with him.
We have been reading runes, like Tarot cards only they are stones. A reading says that there may be an interruption or disruption in our life and that it may be the catalyst that causes us to totally change the direction in our life. A time to “come to yourself” but also not a time to begin a new career. A time of things hidden and something that is about to come to light, something we may have been hiding from ourself.
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This has become a war zone. Razor Man’s impatience hurts us. He cannot tolerate things that are beyond his control. He does not want to wait for things to come about. But there is more than him going on here. A rune reading says that sometimes destruction, breaking free, and a complete letting go may be what is necessary before we can truly be what we are. “To thine own self be true”.
And then the disruption comes, war breaks out within. There is another emerging. This feels big. And Razor Man cuts again.
We are laden with heavy secrets. The need to tell is challenged by the fear of telling.
Then she comes and with her is a shattering, a splintering of images. So many pieces. CF says she hears more voices. Not just Ariel and Razor Man but more. She says one talks to Razor Man through their clenched teeth. And then they are revealed. Three of them. And one behind. They are called The Observers (1) and they watch everything that is going on Inside of us. It’s as if they are in a mirror but they reflect us, not themselves. They reflect our emotions and our actions. They repeat our words.
Our body responds with jerks and spasms. We tremble in our core. Visions of gods and goddesses, of demons and hell. Are we becoming psychotic? Am I? And then I am being told what to write. I thought these words were coming just from me but I am told that these three, The Observers, are telling me what to write. These selves are dissociated from our dissociation. They are removed from us who are already removed from our body. What the hell is this? I can feel the fragmentation that we are, the splinters of glass that cut. A full scale war is happening Inside us. Some who are trying to protect us, keep us safe, while others want to destroy us before we reveal what is hidden within. At the center of this lies one so big, the mother of all mothers. She is the one – she is Una (4).
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