108. Inside Passages (Shell's notes then)

The City Kereth: In Days of Wonder & Nights of Purple Stars

The Mute (3) has a lot to say in our journals these days.

Julia (1) is having more memories and is very scared. She’s scared our stepfather will walk in or is already here in the house ready to hurt her again. Black Widow (3) says Lyn is very stupid for suggesting he may want Julia to tell now since she’s not planning to go to the police or even tell our mom. Black Widow says bullshit!

Disappointment and anger. Sarah cancels our visit tomorrow and Katy Ann (2) is angry. I feel her anger. We do understand that Sarah needs to do what she needs to do in her life. She isn’t doing this to hurt us but we are disappointed that we won’t see her tomorrow. We are in so much pain and so want her comfort and nurturing.

Someone Inside is afraid that I will somehow shut the door on the whole Web, that I’m a “weak link” in the chain, and that I could somehow blot everyone else out. I don’t feel that I have that capability. The Web seems too powerful. I think I can go numb for a few days and not have any contact with the others but I begin to miss them after a while and I am always relieved when I hear them again. I don’t’ feel whole without them anymore. As corny as that saying is “you complete me” is absolutely appropriate in this context. I am nothing without the others, simply Adult Empty (1).

There is a Dark Gate.

A wonderful dream though. Staying in a huge house as a guest. We are trying to sleep but people in the house want to keep us awake. They come through our room and are incredibly beautiful, creative, fascinating and colourful. One woman has a musical instrument. A soft thing, it looks inflatable and has lots of colours on it. In order to play it, it has to be at least partly submerged in water. Then the woman goes down some steps into the water. It is a huge pool and many other people are walking along the bottom of this pool as if walking normally and breathing air.

Wondering if it is about having memories. The water representing memories. Back in 1991, when we were still working with John we had dreams of bathtubs flowing over. I think we interpreted it as “flooding” which is when a lot of memories are surfacing. Here there are people totally immersed in their memories, in their pasts, and it is beautiful. A guess? A theory? That immersing ourself in the past, remembering what happened to us, healing and recovering, will help us discover all these wonderful “people” inside of us.

Tir (1) at the Dark Gate. Barefoot. Simple black dress. A lonely cold wind blowing her hair. She loses sight of us so often. At times I feel I am her and I feel what she feels. Alone. But there is an edge to her loneliness sometimes that is jagged and sharp. We get trapped on it, hooked. It pierces us. The butterfly caught by the collector. It, we, cannot move, cannot escape, cannot even call for help. We open our mouth wide but nothing can come out. No words can be heard. We are being held, captive and powerless.

The Mute writes more:

The Observers (1) have been out today. As we walked to our appointment with Lyn we had a brief Council meeting, for information. The ultimate purpose was to tell Lyn some very important things about the Web. At any time we can choose to go in one of two opposite directions – towards complete denial or into the mouth of The Beast. We wanted to tell Lyn these things because ....

One, the denial would mean shutting down the Web, closing the door on our multiplexity and the past abuse. Shell (1, 2) is the one who would be responsible for doing this. It would be her denial. She would tell Lyn that she made all of this up. While this may be necessary for her, it is not the truth, and if it happens, Lyn must understand the difference. If Shell says it’s all a lie, Lyn must at least acknowledge to herself that it is not, has not been a lie and that others still exist Inside, behind a closed door. She must also know that if it comes to such a thing, then it must be necessary for us to do – at least for the time being.

Two, if we all choose to go through the Dark Gate then we must know Lyn is at least willing to go there with us, and has been forewarned.

There are ways to hide the truth from ourself. Nothing is simple with us. Denial and Doubt have corners to hide in, can tuck themselves away. Then I cannot even deny or doubt. It is not even a question of belief. “What is hidden is quintessential” says Richard Kluft about multiple personality. During the abuse we took flight, into the darkest corners of Maura, where no one could find us, no one could tell what we were thinking. I know there are twists and turns. I feel them. A moment of understanding might be followed by someone contradicting what was just said. They have me questioning if it is me who writes in our journals. How can I be sure?

And I sense there will always be questions that no one will answer. Some may know the answer but they will not tell. “I don’t know” will always be here. Forever.

Black Widow is changing, her role shifting. She is not always angry now and lately she has been helping The Weavers. I think it makes her feel more essential and that we do need her. She won’t die.

The Observers stay for the whole session with Lyn. Highly unusual. Most of us prefer to hide behind others but they do not hide from Lyn nor from what they believe to be their purpose, their work. They tell Lyn who they are. They do not feel vulnerable or afraid for themselves. Created for good reason. As we all are.

Goodness can make you smarter. There are places where we are good. We believe in good. There are no dead ends there. It produces limitlessness, possibilities, endlessness. When abusers want power, when they want to harm others, there are limitations and dead end roads. At least that is what some of us believe, want to believe. Goodness means you don’t have to hide in the dark, and you do not have to carry secrets. You do not have to remember all the lies you have told. You do not have to be careful.

The more they hurt you, the further in you go. But be careful. It is possible to go in too far, to get lost in the complexities of thinking. Micro operations. Thoughts can become knots. Strands can become tangled. They can choke the very life out of you. Be careful where you go.

We are afraid the Beast of Rage (3) will devour us or maybe he already has. Self-destruct. Slow suicide. Rage consumes us at times.

While Phoenix (8) still lies burned, most of her in ashes, her skeletal palm remains closed around the stone. The same that the children have. It is possible because there is always more than one reality, always more than one outcome. Phoenix lies dead and waiting. The children don’t yet understand the importance of stone. Many of us don’t but some know full well its significance. However, we are not ready for that yet.

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Time for an assessment of things, of our life so far. A reckoning. There has been progress in many ways. Some financial problems solved, some relationships improved, growing closer to Lance, letting him in more, fewer crises with Graham. Less consumption of alcohol, less medication. More creativity. More concern about the world, not just focusing on our own internal world. Some alters taking risks, taking steps. Katy Ann coming out more with Sarah, Lance and Lyn. Black Widow finding a sense of purpose helping the Weavers. Julia reaching out to Lyn for support and having the courage to talk about some of her memories. Crystal (3) asking for help. Tir and Baby Sarah (8) integrating. Phoenix taking Tir’s pain. A lot of Reiki work done. The Mute writing more often in our journal, speaking for those Inside who do not want to come out. Reaching Dead Center. Yes we have been making progress. Our intention is to heal. It is our determination. We will defy our abusers and speak of the abuse. We will not let them silence us anymore.

This is success. This is our recovery

November/1993: ... continues to use a portion of therapy time for working through memories and related feelings from the past and trying to make sense of what happened to her as a child so that she feels freer to put the past behind her and move on with her life. In addition, therapy time is being used more and more to deal with current issues and relationships in her life. I find her to be becoming stronger in herself all the time, able to contain her feelings more easily. It is clear that she has  a strong will to lead a healthy and fulfilling life.