65. Sarah

"Minerva" by Susan Seddon Boulet

Before we meet our psychiatrist Lyn in 1991, while on her waiting list, we have a dream about a woman with white hair who rescues us during an earthquake. We feel sure the dream is about Lyn but when she arrives at the hospital we see a woman with short dark hair and the biggest, most beautiful blue eyes. Dreams aren’t supposed to be reality, not usually. But we still think the woman in the dream is Lyn even though her hair is not white. And then we meet Sarah and her hair is white. Is this the woman we dreamed of? Is this the woman who might save us?

Lyn and Sarah met at a workshop and became friends. Sarah tells Lyn that she wants to support other women going through their own life journeys. Lyn asks if we are interested and we immediately said yes. Now we visit Sarah once a week. We tell her our story and she does not shrink away from us. She does not flinch. She gently asks us questions. And she listens and listens and listens. This is who we are Sarah. Annie Charlie (1) begins to trust her and comes out more and more as time goes on. She really likes Sarah! And we can see that Sarah likes Annie Charlie. Sarah is a gift.

Sarah’s fourth grandchild is born today and she thinks to call us. It amazes us whenever she says something nice about us or that she’s thinking about us. It amazes us that we matter to other people, that we may even affect others strongly. The little ones want to do a picture right away for Sarah. Annie Charlie, CF (1), Katy Ann (2) and Julia (1) do a drawing together. Annie Charlie “draws” Sarah holding a baby, CF draws the rabbit dolls. Katy Ann does the printing and Julia draws the four of them.

-----

Annie Charlie really likes Sarah and seems to be staying out longer with her. CF would like to be with her too but is a bit shy about coming out. Tir (1) comes out briefly and complains to Sarah that Lyn’s home has an altar. That is what she sees. The rest of us do not. Letty (2) is afraid of Sarah, afraid of her warm voice. She knows what older women can do to us. In Sarah’s bathroom Belle (3) looks back at us in the mirror. She has a similar expression to Tir on her face. Very deep pain.

It’s very scary to work with Sarah because we are growing closer to her and beginning to depend on her. She lets us lean on her a lot even though some of us are cautious, trying to stay a little detached. If Sarah were to abandon us now it would hurt. How much more will it hurt when and if she leaves us in the future?

-----

A really good visit with Sarah. Annie Charlie out right away. We had told her she could. Annie Charlie would probably stay out the whole hour if we let her but others of us want to talk to Sarah too. Sarah has been helping Annie Charlie learn her colours. We have been teaching her some of them too. Just as if she were a “real” little girl growing up. How amazing.

We do not want to leave Sarah’s house. We  want to share so much with her. And want her to take care of us, mother us. Later, at home, we begin to feel very depressed. Phone Sarah even though it feels as if there is nothing to say. So we just tell her how shitty we feel and that we didn’t want to leave her house earlier. She says she didn’t want us to leave either.

Razor Man (3) is angry at Sarah because she scares Letty. It’s not Sarah’s fault but he’s angry at her nonetheless. Guess he’s feeling protective of Letty, of us.

Shell (1, 2) says she has such an awful feeling about Sarah. She feels as if Sarah must be really angry at her and that we have somehow sabotaged our relationship with her. Shell is so afraid we are going to lose her. She tries to phone Sarah to apologize and at least check out how she does feel but it’s only her answering machine. Shell is afraid to leave a message, scared Sarah won’t call us back. Shell says she feels like a real pain in the ass and more.

But there is nothing to worry about. Sarah will stay. And she will be there for us in many ways, and over much time. We are so grateful to the universe for this gift of Sarah. The woman in our dream, the woman with white hair who saves us from the earthquake.