66. Music

Our little clay alien

Early on, in 1991 to 1992, music was huge for us.  Enya, Loreena McKennitt, Sarah McLachlan, Peter Gabriel. A lot of the music we chose was haunting, almost eerie and it was how we felt inside. Although we were going through the most painful memories and discovering one alter after another, it was also the most profound time for us.

When we first started to see Lyn, she lived outside of Vancouver. We would walk for an hour to the downtown bus stop. With our walkman on. Then the bus ride itself was another hour. We continued listening to music. But all the time we were talking Inside to one another as well and had the most incredible images. Of us. Us travelling together. Us climbing mountains together. Us riding wild horses together. Us even flying. And it was incredible. We were touching upon emotions we had never felt before. It was actually exciting even though it was gut wrenching pain too. Sheer ecstasy.

Often we wondered why. How could we feel any joy with the knowledge of why we were created? Well, because we were finding ourself, finding the most deeply buried parts of us. Is there any greater joy than discovering all of who you are. Such a sense of identity. Strong and clear. It was magic.

Of course, it was also because we were going to see Lyn. With her we could be who we were completely. She accepted us. She encouraged our pain too. She encouraged us to shed all of those layers of armour we had built up over the years. We weren’t afraid of being exposed to her. We trusted her. We felt safe with her and we knew she would be there for us when we most needed her. It was as if we had prayed for someone like her all of our life.

Our therapy sessions for years were often so intense. If we wanted to get at memories and at our pain, we would curl up in a ball, face down and hide our face in our hands. Then we would enter our world, go into it so deep. We would see what was happening to us back then as a child and we would cry and scream in pain. We switched like crazy too. Out loud. We would yell at each other or we would say what our abusers said to us. So many of us would go inside, into those memories, to help the ones who carried those terrible memories for so long. And Lyn would be there, touching our back lightly, letting us know she was there.

When we left our sessions, we felt raw and worn. Often exhausted but somehow cleansed. As if our inside pain had been flushed out of us and left us shredded. Often sadness hung from us too, heavy with our tears, yet also grounding us, connecting us to the earth. Going home we would be quiet and tired. Sometimes we would play more music and allow our grief to be.

There was one piece by Enya that always made us think of Tir (1). We would see her moving slowly through the forest. Her long hair floating behind her as she flew through the bushes and around the trees. In bare feet she danced so lightly. She was so beautiful. And she was full of joy then. Her heart bursting. There is a music video of Sarah McLachlan’s (“Into the Fire”). Sometimes you see a young girl, about 10 or 11 years old, in a dress, bare feet, in the forest. Look we would say, it’s Julia (1), the one who carried Tir’s dreams for her. Then you see adult Sarah, lying naked on the ground, water pouring on top of her, and she looks like she is in pain and yet being cleansed by the water. That was Tir, just like that. It was amazing how similar it was to our internal world. Even the lyrics “Into the fire, I’m reunited”. Yes, that’s what we were – reunited. And all for Tir’s sake.

Music connected us to our very soul, the most human parts of us. Down to our core.