141. Panes (Pains) of Glass

"They are all vultures and parasites" Katy Ann

(Nov, Dec 1995)

Someone Inside wrote this in our journal for today but I don’t know who it is. Doesn’t matter. [Shell (1, 2)]

Can’t sit still kids squirming like crazy Inside. Shell  gone for hours. Fake it by Observers (1) etc. not fair Bad (4) cut herself. She wants to die she remember what she did

We want someone to blame be angry at want to phone Lyn and scream at her is it her fault that Bad cut?

I can feel it again after all these years. That monster Inside. The Evil within. This time I think it comes from Bad. She tried cutting us up into pieces. Didn’t work of course and not too serious damage thank goodness. Hell is definitely breaking loose within. And I keep disappearing - so say the others. I’m not sure if I have control of this but I know that I don’t want to know anything. Maybe it’s a subconscious act on my part.

Othel (1) and Archimedes (4) plotting and planning something. That much I do know. What good friends they have become it seems. That’s one cool thing about being multiple. Buddies. Family. Never really alone. Sometimes it can drive you absolutely crazy but other times it’s a good thing.

Session today with Lyn: Bad did talk to her for a bit. She is very angry. Many of us came out, voices not heard outside before but somehow they are coming out. Inside Out. Outside In. Many children and babies. And messages trying to come up from the deep.

Archimedes and Othel planning war strategies. For your information Shell.

Bad is feeling terrible guilt about hurting another child during the abuse. She does not understand that she had no choice. And she doesn’t feel like any of the adults within understand her.

Shell blipping in and out but doesn’t realize it. we keep her well informed so she doesn’t clearly know when she’s losing time.

The Central Core in Blue is a very important place. Besides access to the different levels of the mountain, it also has other things in it. [The Writers’ Block]

the edges feel jagged

jangled

edges that grind and saw

against our flesh

against our teeth

well clenched

holding on

for “dear” life

holding on

but trembling with weakness.

the edges are planted

there in our mind

thoughts slide down

the panes (pains) of glass

smooth ... slow ... silky

into a gathering

liquid mess

thoughts pooled and jumbled

at our feet

no use.

the edges surround

corner meets corner

seals us in

see in

see out

no real protection

no real barriers

no real boundaries

naked as glass

and just as breakable.

the edges lie thin

perpendicular

horizontal

opaque

we run our finger along them

and feel the years of grinding

of smoothing

of planning

Rub rub rub away

the expendable

the excess

the unnecessary.

the edges feel sharp

but not razor

no cutting edge

that still cuts us

the edges we sit on

create incredible tension

there inside

deep deep inside

these things jammed in

into our Central Core

the ache spills out

ripples out from an entry point

the source

and travels throughout

to every extreme.

Something nagging at our brain. Something there but I, or we, can’t see it. It pulls and pulls on us.

Someone says this war has a name. It is “The Children’s Crusade”.

Different ones of us see The Pieces in different ways. Una (4) sees them as orphaned children. Bad sees them as an army, a children’s army, small soldiers. Jigsaw (4) sees them as panes of glass for some odd reason. Are they not pieces of a puzzle to him? Maybe his name refers to something else that I don’t know about yet. Wouldn’t put it past them.

December 5, 1995: Shell is rarely out right now. There is more drawing of “the core” with sheets of glass. She feels pain in her uterus and I suggested medical assessment.

It is a sound within our head and it is huge. So loud. 468 panes of glass all screeching at the same time as they turn in different directions, newly set at different angles. What is revealed is a path they had previously hidden. Now the path is open to us. 468 panes of glass. 468 Pieces. 468 orphaned children. All the same. And Bad is the one who has made this happen. This is The Children’s Crusade. This is the war begun. You know already who the enemy is so I don’t have to tell you that.

Bad is the one who speaks the truth here while Una is the one in denial. I thought it was the other way around. I’m sorry to Bad for short-changing her, for assuming she was the “bad” one. I can understand Una’s denial as well. She wants to protect all of the children, the orphans as well as her Brood and even the other kids Inside us.

Little (4) has been triggered by something on tv last night. Big (4) is there to help her but can’t take all the pain away for her. We wrap Suzy and Shana’s (4) bear in a blanket and give them to Little to cuddle and feel some sort of comfort. Then she tells us in her little timid voice what she remembers. It is cold and frightening. We cut it off, sever it for now. We can’t take anymore of it.

December 12, 1995: A lot of internal work is happening. Bad and Una are talking – Una in less denial about the identity of the pieces, Bad dealing with her guilt. Little emerged with memories she is dealing with. Caer is learning better how to balance aspects of her life.

I can hear the Babies (4) – it sounds like they are whispering in another language. I can’t understand what they are saying.