"Memories Released" by Katy Ann
Open boxes of memories
fall plummeting towards
a fireball of consumption.
tears of purple mourning
and lost lives fall with them.
a gentle misty rain accompanies,
purifying and cleansing all.
[Warning: some “offensive” language and some things may be triggering]
[Different fonts = different alters writing in journals]
Today .....
After a number of painful days, yesterday was absolutely wonderful. We finally had our energy back to work on our blog. That was a good start to the day. We also meditated, which we haven’t been doing lately, and managed a lengthy walk in the rain as well. We have not been out walking a lot lately and have been feeling guilty about that. The high point of the day was spending the time with 5-year-old Ivy. We had planned to go over to our friend’s place for Ivy to meet Charlotte but unfortunately Charlotte wasn’t feeling too well and her mom didn’t want us to possibly pick up some illness. So it was a date with just Ivy and what a date it was.
Actually it was more of an adventure. First we went to two toy stores on the Drive. Boy was that fun. The first store had the cutest little stuffed animals in the window and some of us really wanted to buy one but we didn’t. Then we went to the second store and looked at dollhouses, ovens, marbles and the greatest bouncing balls. Ivy even drew a couple of pictures that were posted on a wall with lots of other kids’ pictures. Then we went to the library and Ivy looked at a lot of books. We even read a couple together that were really fun. Finally she chose one book and two dvds to watch. We then came back to the Webers’ home and watched an episode of Dora and one of Curious George. On top of all that Ivy and us giggled and played and acted as silly as possible. Well.... we Webers did ... wait, no we have to blame it mostly on Ariel (1). She still loves being very silly and especially around younger kids. Of course Katy Ann (2) and Sixteen (7) are the ones responsible for us wanting to be around young kids in the first place. All their fault.
When it was time to end our play date Ivy did not want to go. That was a good sign. It meant she really enjoyed herself. Anyway it was an accomplishment for us because we get triggered around young children. We stayed as present as possible with Ivy so that we could be there for her. And we just let her choose what she wanted to do with just suggestions from us. This is a big deal for us folks. Not an easy thing but we did it and we really enjoyed ourself.
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(1996)
So this is where we are now – on our journey. We are drawn down into Level 12, down into The Central Core and The Pit. They are one and the same and the whole Web is stuck. Stuck in this memory even though most of us don’t know much about what happened. The Pit and The Core are very symbolic as well. The Core – the essence of who we are, the deepest part of us. This is not superficial and it requires our attention, our focus, our concentration. This is our core wounding and this is our soul, our psyche. Old Self (2) has been telling us over and over to go down there, that’s where we must go in order to heal. It is also not something we can easily share with anyone. “How are you”? “Oh, just fine down here in the depths of our soul...”
Down here are secrets, many secrets, secrets buried, as in a pit, solid packed earth, hard, unmoving. Secrets that had to be buried here, the containers kept safe from any accidental openings. And The Pit itself – we are buried in it, up to our shoulders, arms and hands pinned to our sides. Only our head can move. Only Serena’s (5) head can think us out of here. Back then, she thought us out of it by creating other alters, by creating a “family” for herself, to help her bear the pain and fear. Like the cage that Griffin-CHLD (1) was in, and the box that The Children of the Thirteen (3) were in.
The Brothers (Caleb (5), Michael (5) and Seth (5)) have taken Serena out of The Pit now and took her to Old Self. Serena is quite weak and the Web feels it.
August 1, 1996: Cancelled [appointment] as she does not want to leave home.
We fucked up again. Cancelled another appointment with Lyn. We feel regret for it but we are in so much pain. It may be me-Shell (1, 2) that is most responsible. I don’t want to face things anymore. I’m tired of it all. Tired of the pain. Tired of the fear. Tired of more memories. Tired of being lost. Tired of not being able to do the work we want to do now. We are in tears right now and I feel like we should be in Lyn’s office dealing with whatever this is. I don’t understand who needs what anymore. Some are afraid of losing touch with Lyn, losing the closeness we have with her. Some just want us to get on with things – other things. Some of the children especially want to be held, to cry and talk about what happened to them. Other of us don’t want to do that right now. I don’t know if we are coming or going. I feel so sorry and so unreliable.
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Tir (1) has opened all the boxes of secrets. Serena came out (from Old Self’s place in the forest) to see. The boxes opened and white light burst out from each one. Blue Herons come to help. There is a feeling of release and as well the wildness of Tir is there.
Serena back in shape of lion again. So we are strong again and prepared to fight the demons.
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August 2: So we were able to begin again on our presentation. I certainly did not expect it to be so difficult to do this work and I think we really got stuck. Doing this work is very important to some of us. It is a dream, to be out there, telling our story. What happened yesterday was another huge step on our journey. Someone shouted, in exasperation, to open all those fucking boxes of secrets. So Tir did. She just threw them open. It sent many of us into total surprise, shock even. White light shot out from each box – white light being Truth. And then the Herons were above sending down their rays of blue over top. The blue of protection, of health and of comfort.
Tir’s act brought everyone out. We all felt what had been done. Even Serena came out, though weak at first, supported by her “brothers”, and then gradually shifting into her strong lion self. Today there is more motivation, more determination to get back on track.
Where do you think the idea for insects as alters came from? From the woods. Baby Doll (4) triggered badly. Nymph (4) helping but it is really bad Inside. Everything shut down. The Web is in shock.
Watching a video with Lance and Graham and Baby Doll gets triggered. It is horrible and extremely painful. We have to stop watching the movie and go to our bedroom, curl up in a ball and cry. Then everything stops as Nymph moves forward to help.
Someone Inside took us deep into a “catatonic” state. Baby Doll was in shock but there were holes in it. We switched a lot during the movie. When we went to our bed Lance came and sat with us. we were still switching a lot and talking out loud but we don’t think Lance understood what we were talking about.
Information about Angéla (5), that she told Lance. That she lives on the outside of the Web. I don’t mean outside our body, Raven (3), or mind, Maura but just outside the Web. She climbed through the Hole in the Fence and took her twin sister Heléna (5) with her. She also took The Bitches/MEA (8) with her so when they were giving Shell a hard time and making her look like the crazy one it was because they were on the outside of the Web. I guess not everyone Inside will understand that.
I don’t know what it means to be on the outside of the Web but I don’t feel like arguing or trying to understand it. I just want to let it be for now. There’s just too much going on Inside to deal with.
Meanwhile, working on the presentation is very difficult. We would rather spend our time drawing on computer.
Our ability to deal with things is growing and we realize that today with some satisfaction. The worst that can happen to us these days if we get triggered is that we will get upset and cry. Sometimes we get sick with a cold but that just means we have to stay in bed and read and watch tv. That is the worst! Which means that we are getting better at coping with our past. That’s good news indeed.
Patience (1) says we’ll get through this. I think she’s right. We will.
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