[Different fonts = different alters writing in our journal]
Today:
This has to be the most difficult yet to write. This period, back in 1997, was extremely painful and terrifying. It still terrifies. What was remembered went so deep Inside of us, penetrating the very marrow of our bones. We are reluctant to even put the words here. We fear that for sure, now, you will not believe. You will think us merely “crazy” and dismiss us. But the alters involved were not crazy. The perpetrators created this crazy stuff and we did what we could to survive it, believing things that were complicated on purpose. Purposely confusing.
Remembering this time, this year, hurts and makes us feel sort of depressed. But really it is a deep sadness. We ended up in hospital a number of times that year, mostly because of one Code – Victoria (6mf). We were often suicidal.
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April 15, 1997: Katy Ann (2) has been crying this week, dealing with more memories of stepfather and those that she shares with other alters. They do not feel comfortable talking about them. Dance therapy is a very positive experience. [Lyn]
First dance therapy class last night. It was a lot of fun. Tir (1) was so very happy to dance and Raven (3), our body, was sending us clear messages about our feelings.
April 17, 1997: The memories continue to be blocked - like there has been a change at the molecular level in a group of alters who are very much at the core – “bone”. [Lyn]
The first is made of bone. The first Code. What is the molecular structure of bone?
Back in 1990 when we were first falling apart I remember saying over and over, a chant, “break the code, break the code”. Did I mean this? And someone Inside says what about “strategic positioning”? What?? Man this is crazy-making stuff!
Two diagrams are drawn in our journal. Nine points/circles are drawn in both, but their positions are different.
The Code is silence. The room they are in is full of silence and a low hum, the humming of machines, machines thinking, constantly thinking, trying to compute and structure our deepest defences.
The Stoene is the fortress wall built around the Iew Sae. Within the Sae, at the bottom, is that room of silence. The Codes are there but they do not speak. They have no voices.
Each Code has 2 eyes, one inside the other. Eyes that glare out at the cold wasteland, devoid of human images, sounds.
They took the codes deep into their brains and kept/keep them there. To break these codes we must understand these ones who live in this room. We must understand what they are made of. Within their molecular structure, within their atoms lie the secrets of things.
These 9 alters have been working day and night since their creation to protect these secrets, knowing many bad things will happen to us if the codes are broken. But there are the ones who seek to break them, who move forward to find the clues, to understand molecular structure. There are code breakers and when the codes are broken, the water they displaced in the Iew Sae will return to its natural place. The Archimedes Principle of buoyancy. Archimedes (4) will make this happen when it’s the right time. Soon. He is the main code breaker.
But then the Codes will die!!! What do we do then?
Where did the water go all these years?
A child Inside tells Lance that people are machines. You can take a screw driver and open up their faces. Inside you find wires, and transistors. She says we are like that.
Someone says the Codes took our voice and “broke it up” so that it cracked and was not solid and strong. Like mercury when you drop it, it breaks up into smaller beads of liquid. Is this why we have become hoarse?
The floor in the room where the Codes are is also a grid, tiled. Is this the grid that Archimedes was referring to all this time? Is this the grid we must understand?
We keep getting hints of things about them – bone, steel, iron, mercury.
Archimedes is trying to help them. He is the only one who can at this time.
Dance therapy. I feel overwhelmed and wonder who I am. I feel so very disoriented and don’t know what the feelings are. I can’t describe them, can’t find the right words.
You slipped in the class and said “our”. You are so stupid. [Voice-Mercury (6mf)]
We haven’t told the people in the dance therapy class that we are multiple yet. And yes, I forgot and said “our” instead of “my”. And thus a name. Voice-Mercury. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.
[Today: this is all for now. This is so incredibly hard to write about.]
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