"Panes of Glass opened up a path to The Core"
[Warning: some things might be triggering]
“Wild, wild things can turn on you, so you’ve got to set them free”
[Chris Williamson]
A great fear of going to sleep tonight. It does not feel safe at all. The world is crazy and angry tonight. More of us will be vigilant this night. For what I’m not sure but it is clear that we must. Voice-Mercury (6mf) tells us we must be careful, those of us in The Front.
Another name. The one made of bone. Aptly named Bone Bruised (6mf). She has a long braid which flows down her chest and into her lap.
And Steeled Ivory (6mf).
There is an opening tonight – to what we are, and what we must become. The Tears are so close now. Raven (3) flaps his wings in a fit of awakening senses while tapestry ropes and silk ribbons come forth from the crown, pouring out like ideas and selves created from the mind. Wisps in the wind, voices within, ribbons humming lightly, vibration from the breeze. See, this is us, us made and us woven. The strands are strong, twisted on twisted, braided on braided. This is who we are – pouring forth.
The Ice Lilies are growing. You can hear the water flowing in the tube stems. Who is this? Who is this? A cry from Inside. They are trapped in their cold cubes, rectangular block prisons. We need to help them. Call on the Tears.
Her name is Steeled Ivory and her name is Ivory Steeled. It is also Ivy. And someone says she still has another name but won’t tell yet.
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Dance therapy class. Yuck! The familiar wall comes up and shows its dirty face to us again. We feel so vulnerable, exposed. And phony. Phony because we haven’t revealed our multiplexity. We are still living our lie. Still holding all of our secrets. Not yet. Not yet. Instead Tir (1) has to suffer. She is not allowed to dance as freely as she does in her own forest. Her body must stay somewhat rigid, not expressing too much. Not yet. Not yet.
We understand that it is a fear of performing in front of others. This is old stuff. Embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed. Remember the old Star Trek, an episode, where the crew were forced to behave in ways that were so humiliating to them. That is what it feels like and yet the longing comes from so deep within, to dance our shoes off, dance our heart out, dance our life away. It aches.
Renée Caer Weber
As of May 1, 1997. A brand new name. We disown all of our other names from the past. Shuck them like barnacles. This is who we are now and will be for the rest of our life. Declaring ourself new in the world.
May 13, 1997: More painful memories – more awareness of the emotion than the content.
Graham turns 18 on May 16.
Having to cut way back on her commitments, not coping, phoning more frequently for support. [Lyn]
So much talking Inside tonight, conflict, debate, arguments and criticisms. And insights too. Holding back memories and stuff about our stepdad. Emotions come up and we stuff them right back down. Get away from us. They want to hang onto us like leeches. And we want to peel them off of us. We do not want to let go, do not want to break down and cry and grieve, or let our rage out.
I cannot accept this.
You are an echo of the voices Inside, Shell (1, 2). A vessel that carries us. What you feel is what we feel.
The Codes (6mf) do a lot to keep up the Denial and Doubt. It is their job.
I notice that we try hard to steer focus away from us, away from information and memories. The picture of the Codes left unfinished. Yet I feel it sitting there in our mind – on hold, something to be dealt with eventually. Instead we move into working and focusing on multiplexity and supporting other multiples. There is so much hesitation in talking about us, in expressing us. Not wanting people to see us now who we are. Yet wanting it so much. Especially to be creative and express ourself in the world – as the wild thing that we are. I am. We are. A wild, wild thing.
And more and more and more. Caere (6st) (pronounced “Carrie”), who stays awake at night to keep watch, created by Reed (6st). Never-Ever (6st), one of the Blue Ones (6st). Also created by Reed. All of the Stoene.
Caere tells Lance about The Blue Ones, that they are tears and one is called Never-Ever. Caere does not know why that one is called Never-Ever. Lance asks if they can talk. Caere says yes. Reed does not talk to Lance or any other Outsiders. Does not want to be known in that way.
Difficulties lately. A hard time swallowing, especially liquids. Soups, drinks. It has happened before. Guesses? Remembering the soup at nursery school, where we were abused. Or it has to do with oral sex and having to swallow semen. And difficulty breathing. Can only breathe very shallow. It may be the dance therapy that is causing this, forcing us to breathe more deeply, which awakens buried emotions. Very scary indeed.
Last night a body memory. A feeling of someone heavy pressing down, as if sort of sitting, on our ribcage. An image comes of someone bigger than us doing this and forcing us to perform oral sex. maybe both difficulties are because of this. Our body remembering – difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing.
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Lots of information coming now. Phoenix (8) and Dead (4) are very connected. While Dead will help any of us wishing to “die” in some way, she is most important to Phoenix. Dead must help Phoenix to die in order to then rise up from the ashes. Dead is also very connected to The Children of the Thirteen (3).
Caere comes out with Graham for the first time. Lance is away and Caere is missing him a lot. She likes to talk about stars with Lance. Little (4) and Katy Ann (2) also are coming out often with Graham. Making friends with him.
Dead has two parts to her. White Death is a Death of Light. Whatever that means. Maybe it’s what Phoenix’s death is. a good and necessary death. Her other part is Black Death which is like despair and deep, deep depression.
Who/I (8), sometimes called simply “I”, gives us a sense of identity when we don’t know who we are. Good one for me. She fills that void, holds the question – who am I?
Panic hits suddenly this morning. A realization that Graham will be turning 18 on Friday. That’s when we moved out of home. We dreamed just lately that Lance and us were moving into a place together, without Graham. And it hits – oh my god. He could move out any day. He’s grown up now. We would miss him so much.
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The wild thing that we are.
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