189. The beating of a drum

Serena creates pods for everyone at level 12

[WARNING: some things may be triggering]

July 12, 1997. Sitting on the back porch at 6:30 am, after doing some tai chi, now drinking our coffee and doing some writing. Despite it being a grey and cool morning, Katy Ann (2) loves it because she gets to wear a new wool sweater and nylon jacket that keeps her toasty. And in fact many of us find it nice sitting here, on a Saturday morning, quieter than a work day. Quiet enough to hear the birds. We reflect back to yesterday which was another very painful one for us. We talked to Lyn on the phone and she wondered if we needed to return to hospital. But how can we? It would be embarrassing. We were just there 3 days ago.

Victoria (6mf), and possibly some of the other Codes (6mf), have been in a lot of pain. Desperate is the key word. Despair. Either her or another Code see nothing of value in our life right now despite the riches we have, or that some of us believe we have. Of course, it’s all due to the memories and their aftershocks that we have had about our stepdad.

Victoria pounds her fist repeatedly on the walls, like the beating of a drum, creating physical pain to distract from the other deeper and psychological pain that seems unbearable to her. And to us, of course. Yet, even more than that is the news that Victoria is trying to “crack open” Bone Bruised’s (6mf) cube because she is somehow a door into Mainframe. But I thought we were already in.

We have received the forms to legally change our name. We feel stronger all the time about doing this.

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Victoria did some drawings last night in order to help herself, the Codes, and of course all of us. She did three of them and showed them to Lance.

The first one shows a blue door, blue door knob, shut tight, in a black frame, surrounded by black shadowy lines. She wrote along the top of the picture “Bones can be broken too. Bone Bruised I tried to talk to you to open the door for us”. Beside the door she wrote “no entry, only sit at your rorrim (mirror of course), staring at your long braid.” Written in the shadows – “shadows all around you, calling to you. And bottom right it says “help us Bone Bruised before your hands are broken.” That is picture 1.

The second picture is a self-portrait of Victoria, showing herself as not very attractive at all. On it she wrote “Victoria never as beautiful as Voice-Mercury (6mf)”, and “but I have Eyes in my hair, Eyes in my everywhere.”.

The third picture is of the grid – Mainframe.

Victoria decides to paint, with makeup, around her eyes, like black wings. We are afraid that Lance will think us very weird and really cracking up but he doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. Victoria is obsessed with her eyes and rightly so. They are all over her body.

We seem to have a thing with mirrors. Not just the ones in The Core. Blue (6mf) stands partly behind one as if inviting us, or someone, to see what’s behind it. Bone Bruised sits in front of one brushing her long hair and seeing reflections of shadowy images behind her.

Scout (0) knows and “scouts” our immediate environment, unlike Makkio (4) who looks for new ground, forwarding our journey. Scout looks at where we are now and ensures we don’t step in the quicksand just to the right of us, or step back into the mouth of the Beast, or in the hole to the left of us. She looks for the solid ground for our next step. So what is solid ground?

So many questions. Why is Victoria trying to get Bone Bruised to open the door to Mainframe? Why doesn’t Bone Bruised respond? Is she hiding or protecting something or someone? Why is Victoria in such despair and keeps saying we’ve lost everything and that there’s no hope for us? Is it because Bone Bruised won’t open the door? Has Victoria been programmed to harm or try to kill herself/us? How is it that the Binaries (6mf) and Cast Iron Will (6mf) have been able to reveal parts of a memory? How has it been safe for them to tell or has it kick-started a program to harm ourself because of their telling?

A dream about our stuffed animals and dolls (the rabbits Ageebell and Toupee, our bear Teo and our doll Susie) falling down a hole, a rabbit hole. And upon awakening a memory comes of dolls being used.

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And here we are again, in hospital. Victoria has taken more Ativan and 2 glasses of wine. It felt like she could have kept going, just taking more pills and drinking more wine but we managed to stop her and take ourself to hospital. She is very depressed about our life, hates where we live, who we are, what we do and on and on. There is a possibility of seeing Lyn today as well as tomorrow.

Blue carries sadness but does not emote it. Most of the Codes are still devoid of their emotions but not Victoria, that’s for sure.

Session with Lyn and we are able to get into Mainframe. Victoria has been trying to break open the grid by banging Bone Bruised. So Bone Bruised opens the door. Finally. Oh, and information comes that Voice-Mercury took the Ativan this last time at least. We tell Lyn about the dolls and about the candies. Kids were often given candies after the abuse. The rest I will not write here because it is way too terrible to even think about. The main thing is that these “secrets” have been revealed to Lyn and that is good enough. They must be told to someone in order for us to heal.

So the grid and Mainframe have been opened. Does this mean The Codes have overcome the programming themselves?

Apparently the Binaries have been “dead” for a long time but they can be brought back to life, so to speak. A better word is “reactivated”. There is grief about them. They are very young babies.

Home after the session with Lyn and we feel so very depressed. We hurt enormously Inside. But no one can take any more pills or harm us today. It is not an option. We feel as if Outsiders (Lance, Graham, Lyn, hospital staff) would be angry at us if we did these things again. We have nowhere to go, to hide from the pain so we go to our bed and cry. Then we become very angry and start pounding the bed, yelling how much we hate “him”, the Beast, our stepfather. Screaming so loud. And terrible grief for our losses. We become hot with our rage and eventually go and have a cool shower, while still crying and sobbing deeply. The next day we feel immense sadness.

Voice-Mercury made us hoarse last fall. But we need her to develop a strong voice, to speak out and not be silent anymore.

There is another level to the grid!

The GRID has certain steps to open it but those steps have been bypassed. First, find and move into Place (6mf). Then Cast Iron Will ... well you hear him, like prison gates going clank-clank-clank opening and closing. Bone Bruised is one opening. There are others. There is more information to come about Victoria and Voice-Mercury and The Binaries, as well as Brain (6mf) and Blue. There is also information about Victoria’s drawing of the Grid with the shadows on the right side and bottom. The whole things gets lifted up and you will see what lies beneath.

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We do an individual dance therapy session and get such clear images, similar to the Reiki we used to do. We start with an image of a dark red circle on our chest. A wound, bleeding. The wound speaks to us in a little voice “I’m so little and powerless and I hurt so much.” Then the circle becomes a drum and we hear the beating and resonance of it. Our voice seems to move a bit deeper down into our chest. We see the drum that Lyn gave us, with the heart painted in the middle. Then an aching resonates outward from the drum, like ripples in water when a stone falls in. The aching is blue, like tears, and we move our hands, stretching the ache out into all of our body.

Next we feel our liver hurting and connect it immediately with the overdoses of pills. We see ourself become paler, blood draining from us. We stretch out this pale white rope from our liver, stretch it vertically, longer and longer. Then we stretch it cross-wise, forming an “X” across our body. We become dizzy, too much oxygen and the blood draining out. So we lay down and continue to stretch the rope but we feel too “heady”, too spacy so we put our feet on the ground and begin to push into the ground. We raise our pelvis up and curve our spine up off the floor. We can feel our spine getting strong doing this and it seems to make our chest open up more as well. We push our hands and arms into the floor now. Then with a vision of Raven (3), our body, we swish our arms on the floor. It sounds like wings beating in the wind.

Breath, wind and air.