190. The Holy Grail

The Tomb

[WARNING: Some things may be triggering]

We draw the next layer of the grid in Mainframe. Underneath the first one. Who made this up? Who created this? Maybe all of the Codes (6mf). I don’t know. “Code Red” means we have access to Mainframe. “Code Blue” of course means someone is dying or trying to die. A suicide program. Last week apparently the Binary called Binary One (6mf) went to this next level when Victoria (6mf) was trying to get Bone Bruised (6mf) to open Mainframe up. All of this is so complicated. It makes my head hurt even more than usual. But this was a way to hide things. A way to ensure silence. A way to forget everything. We can see all of that. We understand. Tell them we understand. The rest of us.

All of it cemented well within the walls and levels of Mainframe. Not forgotten.

Bone Bruised split the Binaries up so there could be no access in and thus no way out. She knew how to do that. Where did she learn that? Maybe from the perpetrators themselves. Watching them. Secretly learning from them. Children are good at that. Good at seeing. Good at hiding.

Catalyst: “a substance that increases the rate of chemical reaction but is itself unchanged at the end of the reaction”. Archimedes (4) knows how to do this. He knows how to bring the two Binaries together and get the program working again. Himself unchanged.

But the rest of us will be changed forever.

The Binaries – Binary 1 = On. Programming up and running in Place (6mf). Binary 0 = Off. Why an “off” code? For the programmers to get in if necessary and re-program. In case someone figures out how to open up the program and then destroy it.

Bone Bruised is now angry and breaks her mirror. The one she has gazed in for 40 odd years. She is angry that we have gotten into Mainframe and into the grid, into the programming. Angry and very afraid but beneath that anger sits the real, genuine and appropriate anger. “I matched him BONE FOR BONE” she declares. Shakes her head and fists violently, fiercely. “Bone for bone” she whispers.

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It feels as if we are close to giving up and losing hope. Something is just not working for us. We are missing the very oxygen we need to stay alive but we haven’t figured out what that oxygen is. We are desperately seeking something. All of who we are. No holding back anymore. All of our potential. All of our abilities. We search for the Holy Grail. This is our quest. A quest for healing.

Voice-Mercury (6mf) seems to be a “loyalist”, faithful to the perpetrators of our abuse. She is not the first. So how do we convince her to let go and join us instead? We know this is common amongst survivors. The fear so deeply ingrained that being loyal seems the only way to survive, to never be harmed. Voice-Mercury finds it hard to believe that our abusers are no longer alive, no longer know where we are, cannot get to us anymore. Too deeply embedded within her brain and her heart. She does not yet believe us. And that means we are all in danger. She could go in and make more programs. But there is a possible solution. MEA (8), who once were loyalists themselves, might be able to convince her. They know how hard it is to let go.

Bone Bruised is at war with the world. The rules of this Outside world are foreign to her. She does not understand dance, or movement, or even physical existence. She feels nothing for Outsiders. They mean absolutely nothing to her or if they do, they merely represent the possibility of confrontation and war. And she is not afraid of dying. Death is her ally and her friend.

There are voices that come from behind Blue’s (6mf) mirror. I don’t know who they are. Bone Bruised’s mirror – it was to keep the shadows of us behind her in the dark, where she didn’t have to see us, didn’t have to recognize who we were. Now that she has broken her mirror she has no choice but to see us, to know who we are and why we are.

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Lyn is coming here today, a home visit, because our suicidal impulses are so strong and she is concerned. I feel shame and guilt coming from our depths but I also feel the cycle is about to change once again and we will soon move out of this horrible place. Into more healing. Progress. A move forward. I am, we are, beginning to trust our process. I am, we are beginning to have faith.

Yet what is the purpose of life? Does anyone know the answer? Why does the question get asked, not just by us, but many people? Is there another question that lies deeper? What are we really asking? What are we really saying? What is wanting to happen? What is waiting to happen? Trying to make sense of it all? To make sense of living. To make sense of its end, of dying. What for?

Some people believe that we are here on this earth, in physical form, to learn and to evolve. Then there is karma and reincarnation. That we live many lives, trying to get it right each time, until we finally do and then we do not return to this hard physical existence. We Webers like the idea of learning. Rather than see our endeavours as successes or failures we ask ourself each time “what have we learned?” and go from there. In that is purpose. Definitely. And there is optimism and hope.

Someone says that Voice-Mercury has always been very protective of Bone Bruised, that she knows how deeply Bone Bruised has been hurt, how much she has endured. Down to the very marrow.

It was Stoene Boy’s (6st) abuse that started Mainframe. He was sodomized. His being surrounds the Codes and Reed (6st) and Caere (6st). His little being. Merely a baby.

Voice-Mercury played the drum yesterday and she sound loud. We heard her voice. Clear. This morning, drawing seems critical.