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| "Compass Points" - Archimedes |
Voice-Mercury (6mf) glares at Lyn. Something none of the rest of us would do. But Lyn does not even flinch. Then we realize that Voice-Mercury does not see Lyn there. She is seeing our mom. She blames her for everything, blames her for the abuse. Why did she allow it to happen? Why did she not stop it? But some of us believe that our mom did not know, could not know.
Later Voice-Mercury tells Lyn she wants to die. There is nothing she likes or wants from this world. No desire within her. Only an emptiness created by pain, after the shock has worn off. Life energy drained out.
Then we are triggered. Bone Bruised (6mf) surfaces and writhes and screams in pain. She is remembering what they did to her. It shakes the Web tremendously. Chaos erupts. I (Shell (1, 2)) am able to come out too, in between the pain and the chaos, in the eye of the storm.
“Where?” I ask Lyn.
“Here, in my office. In Vancouver”.
“When?” I ask her.
“You’re an adult now. Not a child. It is 1997.”
Cold hard facts to cling to. Solid. Real. I am no longer there where the pain was. I am here and safe. I can deal with this.
Bone Bruised’s hair is short now, since she broke her mirror. Her reflection is gone, the one that had the long braid that fell into her lap. Gone. We are no longer in the background. We are here and she is here too. She cannot spend her days brushing her long hair anymore, cannot avoid the truth of us any longer. I think she is very sad about that but, at the same time, seems to accept.
And yet another session with Lyn. The fifth in a row. This is exhausting but absolutely necessary. We are in it so deep, in the very thick of it and the work must be done if we are to eventually move on into a new life. It’s either T-Shadow (3) or Stoene Boy (6st), I can’t tell, who is whining and kicking. An adult places her hand on his head and holds him still. She coos to him softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Bone Bruised remembers what happened and how she called upon Cast Iron Will (6mf) to help her through, creating a wall around her, and around all of The Codes (6mf).
-----
A wish granted. What would it be? Many of us agree that a house in the country would be priceless. A house already built, sitting on a piece of land, surrounded by trees, there waiting for us to simply move in. A place where we could write, do our projects, and be left alone in peace. A dream. A desire.
-----
Scout (8) looks around for us, to make sure we are all here. This is a kind of waiting room, just outside Mainframe. A holding area. Eventually we must all go through Mainframe. Through and out. It is the only way we can go. But all the memories must be cleared away first. All must be remembered and mourned. We must grieve and allow the losses. We must let go. The room itself must be cleared of all the equipment and lighting before we allow the children to go through. Otherwise it is too scary and will only traumatize the little ones, or even all of us.
And where to after that? Hopefully a restful place. We have worked very hard this past while. Maybe even the hardest of this journey yet.
Little Snake (6st), one I do not know yet, is asked by Bone Bruised to slither through Mainframe to the exit and to help us get through the room. Bone Bruised also asks Cast Iron Will to help. So, while Little Snake slithers through, Bone Bruised remembers more and it is excruciating. Even Lyn is crying.
Voice-Mercury takes a few Ativan, then later some more plus some beer and some Gravol. We tell Lance and phone Lyn. Lance checks our pulse every so often. Somehow we know Voice-Mercury has not taken too much for us to go to hospital. Lyn says the rest will probably do us good. We “pass out” about 7:30 pm and don’t get up the next day until 6:00 am. Still alive.
The Codes have been transformed. Finally. The Blue Ones (6st) have fallen into the Iew Sae, as they were supposed to. We saw The Codes as blue before, now they are purple.
-----
We step back and look at our journey so far. First The Others (1) emerged, back in December 1990. The realization and acknowledgement that we are multiple and here are the reasons why. Two years later The More Others (2) emerge, led out by a young child called n’i (2). Many in this group have been responsible for the very bones of our system, The Web. They created the structure and they also created the city Kereth. The Controller (2) and Old Self (2) are two key alters in our system and they are both very old and very knowledgeable. Elders of the system.
Then it becomes the time to recognize the deeper abuse, outside of home. By a group of people. Rituals and ceremonies. Masks, fear, pain and confusion. The third group emerge aptly named The Thirteen (3). Within them lies a heartbreaking knowledge – six children created. Six children deeply traumatized but holding together. They form a circle with their small bodies, cloaked in black and silent for so long. They begin to waken and we deal with their terrible pain.
We begin to see many drawings with grids and lines and beyond them lies Gaetway. This is Una’s (4) world. One we also call Wyrd-Mama and find that she has created more than any of us. Mostly children. She is very much a mother and weeps not only for her own brood but for all children hurt. We meet her Brood and we meet Archimedes (4) who created his own group – all insects – to help many of us. We come to know about The Pieces but are confused as to who they are. In the end it doesn’t really matter. They meld with ours and all become The Juidith Warriors, a children’s army ready to battle with The Beast Without, our stepfather.
Also within Gaetway are three young ones – The SeibaBs (4) (Babies).
Then come the stories of a good father and we find out that Serena (5) has created him in her head. She comes to us with her own “family” – “mother” (Sean-Charlotte (5)), “father” (The Jackal (5)), three “brothers” (Michael (5), Caleb (5) and Seth (5)) and three “daughters” (the twins Angéla (5) and Heléna (5), and MoreDread (5)). A “family” with incest and secrecy as its theme and its battles.
MoreDread has something special – a third mirror within us. And we find out that she has created The Stoene and Stoene Boy (6st) himself. Barely a year old and speaking baby-talk and gibberish he does not understand who he is or what has happened to him. But here is his world The Stoene, enclosed in another level called Soul, and enclosing The Iew Sae (“wee sea”). Along comes Reed (6st) and dives down deep into The Iew Sae, leading us down, down and into Mainframe. Down to meet The Codes.
Our journey is not done yet though. There are still more of us to come and more to remember and mourn. But we grow stronger every day. It feels as if the more we know, the more we understand what has happened to us, the fiercer we become. Our rage grows and rightly so. It is not just rage, but “outrage”. This should not happen to any human being. This past week has been the most intense in many years and we have worked hard, savagely digging in the ground full of memories and bones. Almost racing to our core. A sense of urgency now. To get down deep before we die. We want, we want, we want to remember and no more denial. To raise the dead and open the wounds. Let them bleed now. Let us remove the scabs and let the injuries bleed a river of blood. We will sail on it through to an end eventually.
And we know now that someday peace will come. It will come at last.
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