211. SOMETIMES ....

we have to look at things in a different way. trying to get a different perspective. think outside the box.

and sometimes we need others to help us see a different point of view. we have seen Henry for the third time and begin to have our doubts. but we get confused when we are with him and feel overpowered by his words and questions and psychiatric contexts. do you know what regression therapy is? do you know what psychoanalysis is? do you think your dreams are memories?

he wants us to focus on the present mostly. he says it's the most important time to focus on. are we in agreement? excuse me? are we in agreement? do we detect a note of coercion? are you trying to persuade us or do you truly want to know what we think?

we think not. we think the past, present and future are not three separate things but intertwined, braided and woven together. what we are in the present, what we think in the present and what we feel in the present has been greatly influenced by all that is our past. how can it not be? what we hope for the future and what we dream of and wish for are the changes from the past, the unmet dreams of the past, the frustrations of the present.

Henry has surely begun to trigger us. some of us think "we hate 'old' men. they play at 'father knows best'". Henry does not seem to acknowledge all of what we know and understand about multiplexity. he thinks Shell's "hallucinations" of the Bitches back in 1991 were possibly neurological problems in our brain. hallucinations most often tend to be auditory. yes Henry we know that. but we have read Frank Putnam and other well-known American psychiatrists who say that sometimes multiples "hallucinate" alters outside of their bodies. we are not talking hallucinations of the psychotic. we are dealing with a different paradigm here, a different context, a different set of rules.

we think that Henry wants to play the game his way. when we leave the session we think maybe we should "surrender", maybe we should play the game his way and see what the outcome is. and then we think - he will see what happens then and he won't like it. we are already certain that he will not like us, will reject us. maybe because we have already rejected him.

we talk to our dear friend and long-time support, Sarah, who understands on such a deep level. when she hears us describe our session she says that what he is doing is analysis, not healing......

oh.

is there a difference? yes she says. he is not with you where you are at, not with you in your present pain. he is not listening to you.

ah.

that is what someone Inside said not long after we left Henry's office. we do not feel like he is listening to us. and that is critical.

so we must get our head straight, our thoughts clear. we are not completely sure what we need and want from a therapist but we may be close to understanding what we don't want. it is often easier to figure out what we don't want. but Sarah has helped point the way. yes, we do not feel heard. we feel directed and steered. we think Henry has his own agenda but it is not ours.

time to figure out what is ours isn't it? time to tell Henry that we are looking to turn the world on its side

time for us to take control.

sorry Henry. we will most likely not do what you ask, just like we did not always obey our stepfather. by then he was too weak to punish but not too weak to reject. and instead he fed us to the shark Michael. there you go young lady. if you cannot cooperate then you shall be hurt deeply. and you will be made to feel you are very bad inside.

hmm.